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Re: Suicide and support » Shar

Posted by kid47 on April 11, 2002, at 14:58:18

In reply to Re: Suicide and support, posted by Shar on April 11, 2002, at 13:00:08

There is always a chance that a new drug will fix ya or that your disease will spontaneously remit of it's own accord. How long should we hang on to that hope? When is it time ( if ever) to let go & take that final drastic step. I know that each time I have been pulled back from the edge I have at some point been ecstatic (not manic) that I did not succeed with ending my earthbound existence. I used to feel that my rare experiences of joy & peace were just a brief reminder of what I am missing. A cruel taunt to rub my nose in the fact that for the most part my life is grounded in misery. Then these became my rewards. my lifelines. For all the hell, these infrequent slices of heaven gave me just enough to continue. Maybe some aren't that lucky. Maybe their only glimpse is more blackness. But what is a fair shot. If you knew that when you turned 80 your depression would lift , is that sufficient to keep plugging away for another 50 years.(being as you're only 29) I think having someone around to temper an impulsive notion of suicide has probably saved some lives. I think there are others who are more resolute & have what they feel is a carefully considered (& only) option. With death, especially suicide there is always collaterall damage. If we feel we have a breath of a chance of preventing it we will try. If for no other reason than to protect ourselves from the horrible fallout. I know this is a ramble & I am not doing a good job of articulating my gut. There is a certain amount of selfishness involved. Someone chooses death to stop the pain & someone wants to prevent it to avoid the pain of loss. God that sounds sooo cynical. I don't think I really feel that way. I know Sar's death sucked all the air out my body. I barely knew her but I was as devastaed as I get . I would do whatever I could to prevent it from happening again. In 1999 I was hospitalized while I was trying to figure out how to make my death look like an accident so my family could collect my life insurance. Fortunately I was a bit psychotic which called attention to the fact that I was not well. After years of unmitigated misery I had had enough. I was done. 3 years later I am well. I have been med-free & symptom free for 3 mos. I am aware it may be only temporary. I wish I could tell you what "cured me" I have seen countless therps & pdocs. I have taken every med known to man, spent a small fortune on Vitamins& mood enhancing crystals. I have magnets in my shoes for Gods sake. Whatever caused this turn of events I am glad as hell I am here to enjoy it. I have come close but because of luck & some brief intevention I am here. Some deaths are unpreventable. But we gotta try. If you're still reading this you have too much free time :0)
your ol bud
krafty


> Phil,
> Is it life at any cost?
>
> That no matter how horrible it is, how long one has been in pain, how many meds one has tried, how many decades of therapy one has engaged in...is it never time to make a considered decision to walk away? That even if it's possible to raise someone a notch above the black pit, it's not good enough?
>
> What could a sponsor accomplish except to encourage one to endure more "life" ?
>
> Shar


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