Posted by Penny on April 10, 2002, at 16:10:46
In reply to Engaging in self-sabotage . . . , posted by Manda on April 9, 2002, at 21:28:45
> Am I the only one who sabotages herself? By this, I mean that, for example, I find myself constantly doing things to destroy my chances of doing well on exams. On some level, I really do want to fail. On the other hand, I've always been such a perfectionist and an over-achiever, so another part of me won't allow myself to fail. I end up terribly conflicted and unsatisfied on either end. Anybody else experienced this??
> -MandaI do it ALL THE TIME. Did it as a regular undergrad, am still doing it while going back to school. It's not as though I don't have the capability of learning what I need to, it's just that I don't do it when I know I should.
My therapist tells me that I do it b/c I'm afraid of succeeding. And I think, on some level, she's right (like you said, about wanting to fail).
Yet, I graduated from college and I'm going to go to graduate school if it kills me (and it might). Because I can't imagine my life without those things. But it's getting harder as I get older to make myself do things I need to do. For example, I'm taking ONE class this semester, a prerequisite for (hopefully) medical school, and even though the material is (thankfully) easy, I'm not doing as well as I'm capable of, b/c I'm sabotaging myself. Yet, I won't let myself fail either, although this will come back to bite me b/c now my entire future depends upon it. I've been trying to figure out a way to use my bad habits against me...but haven't yet.
Why do you think you engage in self-sabotage? For me, I think it has something to do with not wanting to be 'too' successful b/c my parents aren't successful by my standards at all, and that would be one more degree of separation between us. But that makes me angry at myself as well.
And do you only self-sabotage in school, or in other things as well? I do it ALL THE TIME, as I said before - work, weightloss, relationships, therapy & even, I think, fighting my depression. A big part of me is scared to not be depressed, b/c I don't know what that would be like or how I would handle it! I used to joke that I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have something to complain about. And I suppose that's true...but what do you do about it?
Penny
poster:Penny
thread:21734
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020403/msgs/21856.html