Posted by Noa on February 12, 2002, at 17:12:51
In reply to Re: Why Were We Chosen? « JohnX2, posted by Dr. Bob on February 2, 2002, at 23:03:50
These illnesses stink. We certainly did not choose to have them, but I also don't think this fate is chosen for us, or that we are chosen for this fate. I think of myself as just unfortunate, I guess.
Have you ever read, When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Julia Cameron?
Sometimes I am full of rage about my depression, while at other times I am able to see that I am not the only afflicted person on this earth full of people suffering from all kinds of horrible illnesses, oppressions, etc.
Hanging in there with the quest to find a treatment that works was important. There were awful and hopeless days, weeks, months and sometimes I marvel that I made it through because I did not believe then that I would.
Now, sometimes, I still feel the anger of being stuck with this chronic illness and the grief of all the lost days, months, years of my life sucked up by the black hole of depression.
But now that I am at a stable and better place, there are way more days than not that I feel grateful for the remission, for having medications available, despite how frustrated I may be at times with how "dirty" the meds are, how impatient I am for the day when I can take that one "clean", refined, targeted to just the right receptors, balanced just right for me, no unwanted side effects, pill designed for me based on accurate diagnostic procedures--despite these frustrations, I feel grateful most of the time, thinking about my poor paternal grandmother and her trips to the state mental hospital for her shock therapy that didn't really work for her anyway, and thinking about my poor maternal grandfather, who self-medicated with alcohol and died at a relatively young age from organ failure as a result.
Thinking about how, when I finally was able to find a good enough combo, I was able to go back to a relatively normal life. Not a perfect life, not where I want it to be yet, but a functioning, working, relatively ok, work-in-progress life.
But all of this might sound like BS read by someone who is in the throes of untreated or undertreated illness. Still--now I can say there is hope, despite being so hopeless before.
I know that I tend to get preoccupied with the "why" questions and the questions about the meaning of life--that urgent need to find answers to these kinds of questions--when I am depressed. When I feel better, I am less preoccupied with such questions, and able to just accept not knowing, perhaps because when I am doing better, I am busier living and doing and that ultimate "to be or not to be" question doesn't plague me and doesn't hang so urgently on the "whys". Does this make sense?
poster:Noa
thread:17699
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020202/msgs/18138.html