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Babbling

Posted by zarathustra on December 30, 2001, at 23:24:09

After many futile trips to the hospital E.R. because I am suicidal and wanted help, I decided to goto the Clarke institute here in Toronto and Get myself a psychiatrist. He says that for years, I have been treated for depression when in fact, it is bipolar disorder and epilepsy. I dont dispute the epileptic component (complex partial seizures), but I still believe I am depressed. He currently has me taking divalproex-sodium 750mg B.I.D. and there is little change in suicidal impulses or mood stabilisation. When I initiated this drug, the side effects were horrific for about 2 weeks, and then subsided, I then had three beautifull happy cheerfull undepressed days, and then I crashed back to normal.
I am tired and I feel old (just turned 27) I feel like there is no one to listen or understand. I am under soooo much stress from home, job, friends, finances. I really think that I am the closest ever to actually going through with it. Its very hard to explain: When I began seeing this shrink about 4 months ago, my hope was renewed to a new level, he had me convinced that a solution was right around the corner and "AHA I know whats wrong with you!!!"
That has not come to fruition and it has sapped ALL of my remaining hope. I cant think straight or remember anything, if this alone improved I would be much happier. Its not that I'm sad, Its that I'm neither, its like I just cant feel at all.
My latest dilema is existential: Do I stay here in Toronto and find a good paying job get a house, 1.7 kids, 1.9 cars e.t.c. doing the "responsible thing"
or
Follow my heart and take off to the Rocky's and find some quaint friendly lumber town and live a simple life moving from place to place doing whatever I feel like? I'm 27 and I have no idea what I want to do, I know what I dont want to do; be a part of the phony capitalist materialistic 'machine'.
I'm just rambling out thoughts, please dont feel compelled to read.
I hate life I hate people (of which I am one), I am almost ashamed to be human.

Where does one go to find themselves? church? spiritual renewal centre? Mountains? Does anyone know, or could anyone tell me what worked for them, please?

Andrew


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poster:zarathustra thread:16057
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011216/msgs/16057.html