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Re: Why oh why do I do the things I do?

Posted by cmcdougall on December 13, 2001, at 11:17:02

In reply to Why oh why do I do the things I do?, posted by Dinah on December 13, 2001, at 10:54:49

Dinah - may I ask what type of therapy you are getting?

I recently went through an intensive "cognitive" therapy program (10 days straight - 3 hours each day) and it was very helpful. The reason it worked for me was that it gave me very specific answers for the question, "Why do I do the things I do". Thats the whole point of it - helping people recognize their distorted thoughts, then understand feelings and behaviors that come from the distorted thinking.

I have always treated my depression with meds, and probably always will. The idea of talking to someone about the same old things over and over and over again just didn't seem productive to me. I KNOW what my problems are. I was forced into the cognitive program and thought it would be the same old thing - rehashing my troubled past. This was different - I had several breakthroughs into EXACTLY why I do the things I do, and how to change it.

Well, I still have distorted thoughts that sometime propel me into bad feelings and behaviors, BUT at least I have understanding. And I find that I am now able to recognize my distorted thoughts and so "nip them in the bud" more and more of the time.

You should be getting strengh and reassurance from your therapist, not more stress! Is it maybe time to look for someone else?

Good luck.

Carly

> I feel like I'm in a dependent child position with my therapist. He now only works part time as a therapist and has a full time job. At the very end of every session I wait in uncertainty as he looks over his schedule for the upcoming week and tells me if he is going to be in town, if he can see me, and if so, when. I ruthlessly inconvenience my family to pick up my son so that I can see him whenever he is available.
> This week I asked him if he would be available the week of Christmas. He answered "I'm going to be in town, but I'm not sure if I'll be seeing clients. I might, or I might not. I haven't decided yet." Now I know he works hard and is entitled to a vacation, and if he had just told me he wasn't coming in I wouldn't have been so upset. But for some reason, his words and tone seemed to rub my nose in my dependency, uncertainty, and lack of power in relation to him.
> Now this is the bad part. I later called him in tears and tried to explain how I felt. He didn't get it at all. I'm terrified that I'm being to irritating and obnoxious by calling him. I'm afraid that if I'm not a good girl with him, I'll be the first thing on the chopping block when he decides to simplify his life.
> I feel sick and distraught and can't concentrate on anything. Why did an offhand remark cause me so much distress? I tried Klonopin and orgasm, and the tension and distress is still building in me. I am now looking at my hidden stash of razors and alchohol swabs and trying not to cut. If I cut, I'm going to have to keep it a secret from him since there is nothing surer to make him uncomfortable and want to terminate me than my cutting in response to something he said. I'll try some closet time first and see if that helps.
> I don't understand why I'm doing this. It's not at all rational. It is very unnerving to crash so fast over such a small thing. Am I crazy? This always makes me wonder why I do the things I do. It just isn't right. If I had to come up with some semi-rational reason, it might be that it reminds me of my mother picking me up at school when I was young. My mother was a teacher, and starting in kindergarten I never knew if she would pick me up at 3:15 or 5:45, depending on her schedule. I would wander around the schoolyard and the not knowing was the very worst part. But that's a stretch to connect to this, and I am always doing things like this anyway.
> I hate my actions. I hate myself. I just don't understand and it's so important for me to understand.
> I'm sorry to rant like this. I just don't know what to do.


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poster:cmcdougall thread:15439
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011207/msgs/15442.html