Posted by Anna Laura on December 12, 2001, at 3:32:47
In reply to Am I odd?, posted by Dinah on December 11, 2001, at 18:06:39
> This is a question I can't ask many places, but this is a relatively safe anonymous place. For those of you who remember any of my posts, do they sound odd or do I communicate my ideas in an idiosyncratic way?
> I actually have a reason for asking. I always have trouble socially. Of course, my appearance is not apparent here, but some of the other mistakes I might be making may be.
> I don't think I have the intestinal fortitude for group therapy, but if any of you have any suggestions, I would be appreciative.Dinah, i don't think you're odd AT ALL. Having troubles socially doesn't necessarely implies you're odd. If you may i'll tell you my story .
Since i don't know you i'll talk about my personal experience which might be similar to yours.
I used to have troubles socially also. I used to be a cheerful person when i wasn't depressed, always telling jokes,making people laugh their ass off ; i was a brilliant story teller: people got involved with my anedoctes etc...but i somehow lacked part of social skills which most people would take for granted such as being assertive, that's why i began to feel uncomfortable at one point of the relationship : i could never say "no" or show my anger or disappointment whatsoever. The start up was excellent, i made a good impression at first but people would draw away from me at the end; i couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong with me. I felt like someone threw a evil spell on me since i was a small child. My "bad trip ideation" was the following: "people like me at first because they don't know me, but as soon as they find out what's behind the mask, they run away : the reason why they do so it's because deep inside of me i'm pathetic". Besides that, as people found out i never complained and was willing to fit any of their needs, they would often take advantage of the situation unloading their anger and frustration on me.
I didn't really felt like a victim though cause i somehow felt obscurely guilty and responsable for that to happen as i wasn't being honest with them: i would say "don't worry, it's o.k." when i was angry or annoyed: i lacked the nerve to be honest after all;
besides that, i was often self-absorbed, never being able to put myself in to the other peoples' shoes. I thought that fitting people needs was a good thing to do and felt altruistic: i was fooling myself instead, since i couldn't realize i was doing that for myself cause i was afraid to loose approval. Sometimes people would feel deceived; some other times couldn't understand my behaviour and thought i was kind of crazy.
I was putting myself under constant pressure, always striving for approval; i was afraid to loose friends and left alone; besides that, deep inside of me i somehow felt there was something terribly wrong with me: i wasn't like the other people and thought i'd never be. Strangely, i felt uncomfortable and pleased at the same time since deep inside of me i've always felt "special" and different from other people: i often had day dreaming thoughts of omnipotence and revenge, so i thought i was given tit for tat as people rejected me. Shame, confusion, guilt, omnipotence and resentment were roller-coastering, putting me in a severe distress emotional state .
Things grew better as i met a guy i was comfortable with: i felt accepted for the first time in my life; i must say i worke hard on myself before i came accross that guy; a zen motto says approximately: "when the pupil is ready, the teacher shows up".
I finally felt i had nothing to hide and that we could fight and make peace without treathening our relationship, and show the deepest thoughts and feelings, even the bad or silliest ones and still love and respect each other. As i experienced that, i began to function more and more "normally" on the social level. Omnipotence feelings faded out as i was realizing i was a valuable person no matter what: i didn't need to feel special cause i was special. I took more then ten years to feel socially normal, and i'm stil battling with it.
poster:Anna Laura
thread:15361
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011207/msgs/15385.html