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Sink, swim or rust??

Posted by Greg A. on October 31, 2001, at 13:53:15

When I feel good . . . and perhaps I need to define that. Good means that anxiety and depression has lifted. Enough so that I feel a part of the human race. I feel functional. I make plans and sometimes carry them out. I have conversations with people without feeling I have to get away and hide. I look forward to something – anything. I wake up in the morning and forget to think about how I feel. I’m sure you know the drill. Anyway, when I feel good, I do things. I have learned to be careful about what and how much I do, because taking on too much can put me right back where I started. I can also handle problems. I am noticing, however, that my hold onto the good range is very tenuous. Each problem handled seems to bring me closer to depression again. And yet how can I go through life with two teenage daughters, a job, and not have to deal with problems. Do my meds not work well enough to put me over the top as far as entering the human race? Do I subconsciously ‘think’ myself into depression? Or am I stuck with this as being me? Do I only get to look at life from the outside, through the window?
As I have posted on this board, I quit drinking in an effort to stabilize things a bit. I am physically fairly fit and I exercise regularly, again being cautious not to get obsessed with it. But it all starts to seem futile, when despite my best efforts, and I really think the last few months have represented my best, I am unable to tread water successfully. Am I missing something here? Why do I get a brief, tantalizing glimpse of ‘normal’ only to have it slip away in a matter of weeks? Who can I blame?
Maybe as Neil Young said ‘Better to burn out than to rust.’ (Since you started with Bob Dylan)

Greg


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poster:Greg A. thread:13234
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011025/msgs/13234.html