Posted by hrtlm on September 26, 2001, at 20:28:32
I don't even know where to begin. There's a line from a song: I never knew my life would break my heart. I am truly broken, both inside and out. I am so full of hate and fear. Anger that I can't control. Thoughts that haunt me and will not go away. Things were never supposed to be this way.
I could type 40 pages here, but I truly can't put into words just how bad things are. I have hit bottom, at least more of a bottom than I've ever experienced before (I fear that things will, in fact, get worse though.), and yet I don't feel that inspiration to change, take action. I am paralyzed with fear.
I'm probably not making any sense here. I guess what I'm asking for here is some sharing of experiences. What was the worst for you? What did you hold on to to keep yourself alive? I'm not talking about a much needed med change nor tales of one simply picking oneself up by the bootstraps. I'm talking about things like have you yelled at God, do you hate him the way I do? How do you go on after finally realizing that God (I don't know why I even capitalize that word anymore.) has abandoned you? The worst part is that I believe bery much in God. I wish that I could believe he doesn't exist. My decisions would then be much easier. But I refuse to bend to him, to ask him for any favors. I am tired of begging. So, if I hate God and I refuse to follow him, then why put mnyself out of my misery here on earth, only to begin an eternity of suffering? That is true damnation.
It's not about simply being depressed. It's about how I have ruined everything. My life is beyond repair. There is a very big difference between having a life and being depressed at the same time and the utter despair that you feel when you realize that you are now changed. You have thrown things away that can't be recovered. If I had a house, a job, someone to love and be loved by, things would be different. It would then be all about how do I cope so that I can enjoy the life I have? My situation is very different. I truly have nothing other than a mother and a father that suffer from mental illness. They love me the best that they can. But it's not enough. Their love has no effect on me other than that of making me hate myself for not being able to make them happy. They deserve a lot. They will never have it. I was supposed to give it to them. I was supposed to find their happiness for them. Yet another thing I have fucked up. Not only have I not helped them, but they see my anguish and they blame themselves. I truly miss the days when I could fool them - make them think that I was content. And yet, they have no idea how dark my insides are. They have no idea that I curse the very God that they worship.
I can't get help. Nobody will believe me. They will not understand. I CAN'T MAKE ANYBODY UNDERSTAND! It is too profound.
I do not need any more "Things will look up." - any more "You need to try a different medication." - any more "This is your depression talking." - any more "I love you, but I have to go." - any more "How can you expect to get better when you won't do what you need to do to get better." - any more "I am worried about you."
I just need to have never existed. Simply ceasing to exist from this point on will not fix anything. It all just needs to have never happened. All of it. Me.
poster:hrtlm
thread:11785
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010915/msgs/11785.html