Posted by Wendy B. on September 13, 2001, at 23:11:55
In reply to Continue to slip, posted by akc on September 13, 2001, at 21:43:27
dear akc,
i know what you are feeling, i can't stop watching the TV obsessively when i get home from work... somehow the horror of it must hit the very deepest grief and despair, way at the bottom of our souls. the trail of tears, as the families get paraded before us on the mass media, i sit here alone and cry.
but my child is asleep in her room, peaceful, on the other side of the wall in front of me... even though i tried to tell her tonight we're basically at war.
there have been enough deaths this week, please keep your self alive, we know you and care about you.
your T has gone away because she is taking care of herself, not because she doesn't care about you. you feel abandoned - what would she say to you if you were able to call her right now and say that? she'd remind you, perhaps, of your mother, and the others who abandoned you when you were a child, who left you alone when you needed their protection. she's saying: i can leave, but it doesn't mean i don't care about you, i'm not them... you can make it!
i can't remember, but did you suffer from PTSD as a child? or later? your body and mind have gone into shock, anxiety, the horrors of the world right now seem to be resting on your shoulders, a world where people kill each other in the name of an IMAGINED god... it IS almost too much to bear. but almost... you are not carrying this burden alone, even if it feels that way... i think about survivor guilt, and the feeling "it could have been me," or "why wasn't it me?" you might be feeling that, too, i don't know...
please, dear soul, keep posting to us here, and we'll read and listen and respond, and get you through this -- ok?
w.
> While I try to write so brilliantly above, the reality is that I continue to drift deeper below. For two days, I have contacted family and friend (very singular). Trying to not be alone with this shit when I get home from work. But I come home tonight and there is not one call. I, like many I hear, despise my job that I have no choice to stay in. But I can hardly work -- my mind gets going, going, going. Tonight is the worse -- the first the suicide thoughts begin to enter. My t is gone -- away from it all. Hiking, in Colorado. That tears me up for some reason -- I don't know. Is it because she is gone -- I don't handle her absences well. Is it because she is away from the craziness -- and I am jealous. I was set -- if you had seen me last Monday when she and I had met -- I was on top of the world (not a mania, mind you). This time was going to be a success. And now I can hardly work. Not only am I scared for my safety from the outside -- I am as scared for the safety from the inside. I wish I knew why I cry -- it started when I realized my t was gone. You have to know one really important fact -- I have the world's best, not one, but two back-up t's.
>
> So it is great that I don't want to seek vengence on the world. It's probably because I can't make it a day without wanting to hurt myself in some way.
>
> akc
poster:Wendy B.
thread:11342
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010909/msgs/11346.html