Posted by Wendy B. on September 9, 2001, at 22:40:39
In reply to Think I fired my therapist - VERY upset (LONG), posted by JennyR on September 9, 2001, at 18:55:47
> I am in a big painful mess.
> I won't waste time rehashing what's above other to say my therapist made a big deal about his July one-week vacation when he came back, pressing insistently that it must have been a big deal to me when it wasn't. Then on the way out in August, when I thought I'd see him in 4 days, he said he'd see me in 4 weeks. He had only told me of 2 of the 4 weeks, and with those dates, there was still a week left. He "forgot" to tell me when he changed his plans.
> I had a very hard time stewing in it for 4 weeks. Usually, on a longer break, I might miss him but I can deal with it. But I had such a mix of weird feelings that I was pretty freaked out. Because other than how weird that and the July thing were, it's usually great. Except for this other thing he does once in a while of saying something that sounds like he's expressing positive, kind feelings for me but in an ambiguous way (e.g. you are appreciated here) but when I question in he turns it around acts like he didn't say it, puts it on me, talks about my need to hear it - basically jerks me around in a very frustrating way. That only happens a couple of times a year but when it does, we end up wasting several sessions stuck on it with me getting more and more frustrating til he finally admits what he did and I finally let it go.
> But overall, otherwise, things were very good, and I go twice a week and it's been 3.5 years. So now he forgets to tell me the dates of his vacation.
> I consulted another therapist the 3rd week, because I was still experiencing considerable distress over this. She was sharp and good and she said he definitely has a countertransference problem where I am concerned. She said I should return but he needs to address and resolve this to my satisfaction. I returned. He apologized a lot, but as far as any explanations, they were up there with "the dog ate my homework." So now I think I'm firing him. But am very torn up about it. But as the therapist I consulted said, no therapist should ever fail to tell anyone the specific dates of their vacation, well in advance, even if they always take the same time every year (she does, he doesn't) and that he absolutely has to know better. His explanation is he was so caught up in our hassles over his over-reacting to the first vacation that he forgot to tell me about the second. This makes no sense to me. And he said I am the only one he forgot to tell. And yet, according to what he said after our hassle over the July vacation, he had said that "we work on a very deep level and that is special and unique" and that it does mean a lot to him. Then he tells me on the way out about the 4 week break, thinking he's told me, only of course he has no recollection of telling me because he didn't.
> I told him on the way out Thursday, when I first saw him again, that he had not resolved this to my satisfaction and to therefore have a good life. He urged me to return. I am due back tomorrow. I doubt I will go. I think I've quit. But I'm very torn up.
> But this woman I consulted said if it doesn't work out, she's there. I may switch to her.
> But I am really distressed over all this.Hi Jenny,
I'm sooooo sorry that this all happened. As Susan wisely points out, 3.5 years at twice a week is a lot of visits, a lot of good work must have been done.
But he insists that the countertransference isn't an issue, and both you and the other therapist know it is. It's a difficult position to be in, going from the person in need of answers, looking to the shrink for guidance, etc., to being the one with the clearer view of what is currently going on, and the one in control. That turnaround has GOT to be quite unsettling. No wonder you are disturbed, anyone in your position would be.
He sounds like he is very young or inexperienced, and that he might love you, and that he doesn't want to give up on his 'project' (you), til he is ready. But the relationship is in your hands... If you don't want to go tomorrow, you don't have to, but you could do one last session if you're up to it. Closure might be good, and giving him a chance to explain his actions might make you feel better about yourself later on, like, you can tell yourself that you didn't just bag it without careful consideration, a lot of thought, and a dose of anguish thrown in there for good measure...
The fact that you had the courage to get yourself to another therapist before he got back from his unannounced vacation, is very good. It is a sign that there's hope, that you're still committed to therapy, even after this guy behaved in this way. I've heard others on this board curse all therapists, but I believe there are good ones, just as human as anyone else.
The woman shrink sounds good. Understand that she won't be able to 'bash' the other guy because of professional courtesy, but you're going to have to vent. Please post more if you feel better doing it. I have the utmost sympathy and respect for what you're going through, it's very very hard, I stopped seeing my first therapist (an 8-yr relationship), not that long ago, too, and it's made me very sad and confused...
Please take care, and let me know what you decide about tomorrow...
Wendy
poster:Wendy B.
thread:9067
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010909/msgs/11063.html