Posted by Mark H. on February 2, 2001, at 15:54:33
In reply to To Mark, posted by judy1 on February 1, 2001, at 20:27:46
Dear Judy,
Thank you for your kind note. My wife is a survivor of horrendous abuse as a child and teenager, and while she is the strongest person I know -- after literally decades of therapy and incredibly hard work applying it in her daily life -- even today when a strange noise wakes her up in the middle of the night, her first reaction frequently is to panic.
I think that the type of therapy that works best for me, and that I sometimes have tried inappropriately to impose on others here, attempts to speak directly and powerfully to the part of us that knows what is right and real for us -- not the "inner child," if you will, but the "inner parent." At those times in my life that I have drifted towards apathy and suicidal depression, someone or some technique has been able to engage the part of me that knows I'm not well and in serious danger. By re-awakening that part, I've been able to change my behavior (to keep it positive and not self-destructive), even though my despair often remained unchanged. I wish I could figure out a way to pass that gift on to others in writing, but so far I haven't done so well with it.
At least twice a year, I go through sustained periods of feeling that my circumstances are truly life-threatening. One of the main things that gets me through those times is comparing my exaggerated feelings with external evidence -- for instance, I've felt this way before, and I've survived; so, is it possible that my feelings of terror and despair are not well founded now? That's one reason why I was splitting the hair of "being safe" versus "feeling safe" with Dr. Bob, because for me it's been a life saver to recognize that important difference. I'm sure you've experienced the same thing and could teach me a few things about it as well.
The biggest difference between therapy and our exchanges here -- and the most disappointing to me -- is that a good therapist ensures the safety of everyone in the room, setting strong boundaries in which all sorts of fears can be experienced and explored, while here we are at best uncertain about where others stand, what values they hold, and what their intentions are.
I have too often proceeded as though that protection was in place and agreed upon here, and sometimes it has backfired. I believe that we really ARE safe here, and (as my therapist says) that "it's OK to think, feel and say anything" since others should be respected to take what is useful and to ignore the rest. But in practice, some people are so exquisitely sensitive that even oblique, ironic or kindly meant criticisms are heard not as respect for their inner strength but as devastating indictments. That's what makes writing so much more difficult for me than personal interaction.
I really appreciate your reaching out to me to help me understand you better. You don't owe me any apologies for anything, but your graciousness moves me anyway. Some of my best friends have started out not liking me at all. I'm glad some people are willing to give me a second chance.
Best wishes,
Mark H.
poster:Mark H.
thread:4306
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010105/msgs/4321.html