Moody

Posted by Rach on January 30, 2001, at 5:57:37

I want help, but I don't want it.
Help is offered, but I refuse.
I need help, but I don't require it.
I'm not hungry, but I eat.
I'm thristy, but I won't drink.
I feel fine, but I'm not.
I feel messed up, but I am okay.
I write emails to friends saying everything is well.
Then five minutes later I am sobbing on the couch.
I keep imagining the worst things in the world, and hope that they happen. Then I pray that they won't. I react as though those things have happened. Imagined scenarios occur in my mind.
I know I am a good person. I know I have worth in this world. I just cannot believe it.
I have confidence in myself, and my ability to eventually reach the other side of a cathartic experience. I am very insecure.
I have many friends. But I am not close to anyone. I don't feel as though I have anyone in the real world to turn to. I wouldn't turn to anyone even if they were available.
I am a contradiction. I am both proud and frustrated by this characteristic.

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