Posted by Racer on April 21, 2006, at 12:39:05 [reposted on April 24, 2006, at 12:14:51 | original URL]
In reply to Re: dealing with passive aggression, posted by bassman on April 21, 2006, at 9:01:59
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> How do you handle just general complaining and also procratination, "I can't do that right now", etc.Speaking as a procrastinator, underneath the exterior avoidance are usually two things for me: I generally *am* kinda incubating action -- if it's a paper i need to write, somewhere inside a sort of framework is coming together, if it's housework, part of me is planning the order of attack, and chunking it down to manageable amounts, and generally I'm getting some other distractions out before starting, so that I won't stop in the middle of something. And there's a lot of energy going into self-recrimination. THAT's what gets fed by my husband stepping in with the comments he makes, "You're not doing [x], you'll be upset with yourself if you don't, it won't happen if you just sit there in front of the computer/reading/in front of the TV/knitting/whatever." So, I don't recommend that approach.
What would help me, though, is to have him say, "What would it take for you to start? What can I do to help you get past your block?"
AND THEN DO IT.
See, my husband is pretty passive agressive, and we both procrastinate. But that's what would help me, having some help getting some things taken care of, so that I don't feel so overwhelmed.
>I just wonder if there is a way to handle complaining in a useful way-is it best to agree, to just listen, etc. Suggesting alternative ways of seeing things/doing things (in summary, be more direct/assertive and maybe things will get better is my standard thought)has yielded the reaction that I'm being critical.
Yeah, that would probably be my reaction, too. My husband seems to take complaining as the primary means of communication, but he won't take any suggestions past the point of knocking them down. But if I "complain" -- which includes telling him I feel bad about something, as far as he is concerned -- he "offers suggestions" that feel very critical.
Example: much of what my mother says to me feel very critical to me, and he'll often say, "no, you misinterpreted that. Here's what she meant..." Guess what? That doesn't feel good. I end up feeling hurt by her, guilty for feeling that way since no one else can see why I'd be hurt -- and generally invalidated. A better response might be, "that probably hurts," or "I'm sorry you feel hurt." Just simple, straightforward validation.
In the case of my husband, I try to do the simple validation, when he starts complaining. (And in his case, it's cultural. He didn't grow up here, and he uses the customs of his homeland -- walking into a store and starting off with a complaint there isn't enough space in their car park, for instance. Store owner will get upset, when he just means it as a sort of "how 'bout them 49ers?" comment.) I've learned, over the years, that some of it I can tune out pretty entirely. And when it's real, I can listen, say I'm sorry he feels upset/stressed/frustrated/whatever, and tell him I love him. I don't have to solve his problem, and I don't have to help him solve his problem. But i do have to be a loving and supportive spouse.
And when the passive aggression comes out, in some cases I do use WishingStar's gambit: I take what he says at face value, and respond accordingly. And that works well for me, too. I really recommend it for those times when you can do so.
Other times, I haven't figured out what to do. I try to be clear, straightforward, etc. That hasn't worked yet. (That tends to be about behavior. I'll tell him that I need something -- him to be ready to go by a certain time, or him to set a time he will be ready to go; chores around the house done, or help getting them done -- and he'll say, "Yes, sure, OK, yes, I will definitely do that, I will be ready at [x], I will help you do that on this day" -- and nothing happens. Well, nothing except that I get upset, because he's laid on the sofa all day, or [word GG was scolded for]ed around until we're late leaving the house. So, what I work on now is learning to shift my own expectations, so that I don't rely on him, and don't end up so upset.)
I hope that helps a bit. It's about the best I can come up with right now, but if you have any specific situations to ask about, I can try to put myself into them and see if anything helps me.
poster:Racer
thread:636483
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060220/msgs/636496.html