Posted by Tamar on June 21, 2005, at 14:13:21
In reply to need new friend advice, posted by sunny10 on June 21, 2005, at 13:12:35
> I got a little freaked out when she told me that she has been both a madam and a hooker; that she still has sex for money. And that she plans on going back to hooking in order to dig herself out a a financial hole she is currently in.
Hmmm... I had a friend in a similar situation once. She was really screwed up at the time, and having sex for money didn't help! I just kept nagging her about it. But she eventually decided to stop because of an accident involving a split condom. Fortunately her HIV test was negative, but it scared her enough to make her get out. She might not have been doing it as long as your friend though.
> I know that I am a naive person.I don't think that's true! Lacking first hand experience of prostitution doesn't make you naive!
> And I don't think poorly of HER for doing those things. She has had her reasons, believe me. But I am very uncomfortable being friends with someone whose life hits so many dark places in our society. It's not just who she is, but whom her "job" invites into her life- and if I am her friend, into my life.
I wondered about this. Do you mean her clients? Or pimps? Or other prostitutes? I think it's possible to be friends with someone without ever encountering their 'colleagues'. And I suspect her clients and her prostitute friends are probably safe enough, but I'd be extremely wary of any pimps. I've never heard a good word said about pimps.
> I don't want those "extras" in my life.Fair enough.
> How do I discontinue a relationship with a friend that I like? I mean discontinue it gently. I don't want to make her dark times even darker right now. She is a truly great person. I don't want HER involved in what she's doing for her own safety, either, and I've told her so. But how do I tell her that I can't involve myself with her if she continues to do these things without destroying her feelings?
It's hard to say that kind of thing without being brutally honest, but diplomacy is difficult in a situation like this. I think it’s important not to be judgmental – and I’m sure you wouldn’t be – but it’s difficult to make it clear that you’re not judging her if you’re saying that you don’t want to encounter the dark corners of her life choices.
Maybe you could tell her that you know how dangerous her job is and you’re so afraid for her that you don’t have the emotional stamina to go on worrying all the time. It’s not ideal though… I’ll keep thinking about it and if I come up with anything better I’ll let you know.
poster:Tamar
thread:516617
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050531/msgs/516634.html