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Re: Why are people grateful to be alive? alchemy

Posted by SLS on March 11, 2012, at 14:58:53

In reply to Why are people grateful to be alive?, posted by alchemy on March 5, 2012, at 19:24:43

> Even when I am not real depressed and wanting to die, I still don't want to live.


I am not so scared of death as I am of never having lived.

> I'm nearing 40,

For me, age 36 was my first mid-life crisis as I knew I was fast approaching 40. I went through a second mid-life crisis at age 50. Now, at age 52, I am totally pissed off, but I feel young again.

> I've tried almost every drug.

The word "almost" can be a source of hope.

> I want to enjoy something. I hate the question about "what are your hobbies/ what do you like to do?" I will make myself do things. I'm sick of making myself do things.

I know. Everything is a push, even recreational activities. Social gatherings are always uncomfortable for me. There is never anything that I feel like doing. Push, push, push. It is fatiguing and demoralizing.

> I am no longer religious. That is out of the question. No comments please on god.

I am not religious either. Are you at all spiritual?

> So if you have hated life for 30 years, and most likely will continue that way, and to have your body start to go downhill, what makes it worth it?

For me, it is uncertainty that helps me maintain hope.

My depression is one of the most severe kinds. I am what is sometimes called a "flat-liner". In my untreated baseline state, I sit motionless and stare into space for hours on end. It is an unwelcome effort to go to the bathroom. There is too much more to list, but I'm sure you get the idea.

My current treatment is producing an improvement in depression. It is a significant improvement, but I am not even half of the way towards remission. I am excited and optimistic. However, everything is still a push. I don't yet know what it is like to look forward to doing things. I am also short on energy, so pushing is still necessary, even for things I would otherwise enjoy.

You seem to suffer from anhedonia. You have no sense of pleasure or reward. Nothing ever feels "good". This is made worse by your feeling demoralized by the very real frustration and sadness that are the result of your refractory suffering and the devastation that depression has
had on your life. There is no relief in sight. Anhedonia is always sapping the pleasure out of life. There is nothing attractive about continuing to live this way. The only thing that is at all attractive is the end of suffering. But how do you achieve this without resorting to autoeuthanasia?

Uncertainty. You are still young, believe it or not. I would love to be in my thirties again. You cannot be certain that there exists no treatment that will work in your lifetime. You cannot guarantee that the very next treatment you try won't work. You cannot be certain that there will be no wonderful changes in your personal life.

You have some decisions to make. It is a matter of perception and attitude. These are the first few questions that I asked myself.

1. Continue living or choose death?
2. Live a positive and constructive life or choose to capitulate to negativism and defeat.
3. Use all of what little I have to work with to suck as much positive experience out of life or be a passive passenger in life and watch your time run out.

Anyway, that's how my mind works.

It looks as though I am continuing to improve. Hopefully, I will achieve remission within a year. Even a 50% improvement will allow me to seek employment and begin working. I am only now able to start living. My life finally begins at age 52. I can honestly say that it was worth the wait.

I hope you find a justification for living one more day. I hope that you find in this day sufficient reason for wanting to live yet one more.

Anhedonia and uncertainty antagonize each other in a tug-of-war. For you, I hope uncertainty wins.


- Scott


Some see things as they are and ask why.
I dream of things that never were and ask why not.

- George Bernard Shaw

 

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poster:SLS thread:1012461
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