Posted by Dinah on August 13, 2011, at 18:47:02
In reply to At the risk of sounding like Paul, posted by Dinah on August 12, 2011, at 8:06:21
I made the mistake of bringing it up in therapy. My therapist's interpretation is that I grew up in chaos at my family's home and have a repetition compulsion to create chaos in my life by not doing what I needed to do. So that my real intent in not doing what I need to do is to create chaos.
I agreed that the end result might be chaos, but disagreed that chaos was my goal. I told him that if I ate a fun size Milky Way (the best combination of chocolate, nougat, and caramel), the result might be that I put on weight. But the intent in eating the Milky Way wasn't to get fat, it was to have the smooth chocolate and gooey caramel melt in my mouth. It was because the short term gratification was more important to me at that moment than my long term health. He said that it was the same thing. That my goal in eating the Milky Way was to get fat, if that was the predictable outcome. But if I were to discover tomorrow that Milky Ways had no carbs or calories, I'd eat way more fun size Milky Ways than the one a month I average now, not less. If I were to discover that Milky Ways have zero calories and Kit Kat bars have 1000 calories, I wouldn't stop eating Milky Ways and start eating Kit Kats. If we are using the same words to mean the same things, then his point of view is illogical, at the very least.
When I disagreed with his theory and told him why, he complained that I always say I want him to push me, but when he does I get angry. Then he said that my disagreement was denial. That he was right and I was in denial of the truth that I chose to create chaos in my life. He wasn't willing to compromise on the fact that I *did* create chaos in my life, but that that was the side effect and not the goal.
I really can't win, can I? I either accept his judgement or I'm considered resistant to the truth and in denial. I'm the patient, so his judgement is automatically given more weight.
I want to tell him that I would be more willing to accept his thesis if he could support it with facts to back it up. Other times when I create chaos in my life. Would it be my unstable relationships? (Married to the first guy I seriously dated as a senior in high school. Have a good and companionate marriage notable for its backbone of humor and lack of drama.) My rootlessness? (Live less than ten miles from where I grew up, in a nearly identical neighborhood. Still work at the same job I had since my junior year of college.) My risky behaviors? (Hah hah hah.)
I want to point out that my perception of avoidance as my goal has ample backing in my life history. Avoidance is a central theme running through all my choices.
But why bother? If he thinks this about me, and if he is going to cling to a smug understanding of himself as the wise therapist and me as the resistant client, what on earth is the point? Nothing I say will make a difference.
Unless I am misunderstanding his position, I'm left with the uncomfortable conclusion that *this* is what I've been relying on for lo these many years. A fool. A smug fool.
He isn't usually like this. Has he just been keeping his stupid theories to himself? I did ask him to push me. But not without backing up his position with something more than "Because I said so."
I went into the session feeling depressed and a bit unstable, and came out feeling infinitely worse, because *this* is the leg on my support stool.
I am glad that I'm not alone in my issue. And, as I believe I have found in the past, I think I made some interesting connections as I argued with him. I think that the things I do instead of work are mainly done with the goal of submerging myself into something that has no associations of anxiety. To lose myself, to almost cease to exist as a separate anxious overwhelmed individual. Even though in the long run I just end up more overwhelmed and with more anxiety.
I also gave some thought to the ideas on how to stop. It's been somewhat helpful to me with food to write down every single thing I put in my mouth. I not only discover that perhaps I'm snacking more than I thought, but sometimes I just don't bother to eat because it's too much trouble, or I am ashamed to write something down.
So I set up a time diary to track where I spend my days. I'm not sure how well it's doing. I've forgotten this morning before I had a chance to write it down.
Since I know you guys understand what it feels like, am I missing something? Are my therapist and I talking at cross purposes? Are we using the same words in the same way? Is he really a pompous *ss? How did he manage to cover up this fact in a long history of appearing to be open to the possibility of being mistaken?
poster:Dinah
thread:993528
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/993665.html