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Re: Motherly Therapist and Detached Daddy Psychiatrist » antigua3

Posted by Daisym on July 18, 2011, at 23:41:41

In reply to Motherly Therapist and Detached Daddy Psychiatrist, posted by antigua3 on July 17, 2011, at 19:47:08

It is one of those catch-22s of therapy - your pathology might be coloring how you see things but things also might really be as bad as you think. But if you keep insisting that things are bad, it all seems to get attributed to your pathology anyway, so where does that leave you?

First, I want to say that I'm sad about your old therapist. She was so perfect for you for such a long time. I think you have ended it the way I would have. It seems kind to hold her in your heart and not try to get something she can't give anymore. Which of course, isn't her fault. One of life's cruel truths about aging.

It is amazing that you've stuck it out with your pdoc for so long. As hard as it has been, you must have been getting something from this relationship. I do think the return might be dwindling now, which makes it harder. Perhaps you needed a male to be really mad at for awhile and someone to battle with, and he was willing to do tht. Here is what I'm most struck by though - whether he really is warmer or more nurturing with other people doesn't matter - the fact that you perceive him to be is the issue. Even more important, you don't feel his warmth and caring in a genuine way - so his telling you he cares doesn't really help. You don't feel it. So how can you work towards taking it in and how could he adjust so that he is more overtly caring and warm? Him refusing to make any adjustments because he thinks you are wrong discounts your perceptions and your reality. And isn't that what your hold childhood was like? I would be frustrated with this approach as well.

You mentioned you read a book about attachment approaches. Something about your pdoc makes me think of someone who is avoidantly attached. These people pull away when someone gets close. You most likely have an unresolved attachment style and so your pull to attach might trigger his need to avoid - and you do this sort of unconscious dance together. We should never assume that just because someone is a MH professional that they don't have attachment issues. You say the best thing he has done for you is provide stability - he hasn't abandoned you. I agree, this is a huge thing, to trust that he won't. But staying in a relationship that doesn't feel good, trying over and over again to get from the other person something they can't, or don't want to give, sounds like an old pattern to me. Therapy should not only be about really knowing yourself but also should help you know how to get what you need and avoid things that hurt you.

I agree transference is hell. I hope you work it all through very soon.

 

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poster:Daisym thread:991272
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