Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 17, 2011, at 23:05:07
I feel so terribly lonely. It just aches. It has been a rough past week, but has also been a past week with its redeeming moments. Overall, up until today, I had been doing a bit better. I think I was doing better because I knew I had my phone session today. But it came and went per usual.
When he hung up, I felt despair.
I don't have words to express how it has felt the rest of the day. It is like an inarticulable scream that is trapped inside of me. I feel like I am drowning in my own words. There is a constant nausea that won't go away.
Sometimes I feel like I am an infinite castle in whose chambers I am trapped. I wander up the intricate winding staircases and through the narrow hallways, past the dark rooms and closed doors. But I am lost. Infinitely lost. As I realize this, I turn around to leave. But running in the opposite direction only gets me further lost inside of the maze.
I feel like I have been hushed in silence, condemned to this lonely hell for so long. There are things that I want to tell so many people-- things that have only existed as reverberating thoughts inside the passageways of my castle. There are things that I especially want to tell my therapist. I thought of them all as I drove to the church parking lot that overlooked the downtown of my small town where I would park my car as I had my phone session with my therapist. But when I heard him say hello and ask me how I was, it was back to the old routine, and I froze.
The session when downhill from there. I wanted to scream, cry, and cease to exist all at the same time.But...I wanted to tell him about so many things:
Here's my rough list-- it probably won't make sense to anyone else, but I scribbled it on a piece of paper as my reminder...some help it was. I didn't even look at it:
food-- empty
car
school-- graduation
time-- letting go
books
trappedThey were all full of things to talk about and problems and distress, and I wanted to talk about them, but failed. We talked a little about food and bingeing, but mostly I paralyzed and spun in circles. We talked about talking, as usual. Now I feel so sick.
I MUST make a change. This is going to kill me.
He tells me to surrender. He says it is my choice. But I don't know how. I keep thinking we could do something more. I could have him read something at the start of each session or I could read something to him each session.
I can communicate in writing much better than I can in speech. I think I have a motor-brain difficulty. Half of the time I speak fine and the other half, I literally physically struggle to speak. The words begin confused in my mind, kind of foggy. Then, when they try to come out, they get caught, come out all at once 100 miles/hour, and are jumbled and forced. But writing is usually more consistent and speaks forth my soul, my truth. Words always limit, but they gesture towards a release.
I don't know what to do with wasted time and the looming doom that I will likely waste so much more. I feel dread, despair, a tinge of suicidal pushes. Should I just begin the session by reading what I have here or the like? Or having him read it? Maybe that is forcing it.
I have to wait an entire week before the hell happens again. I am so f*ck*ng ready to give up.
Dear, dear, sweet God. Please have mercy.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:985601
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110511/msgs/985601.html