Posted by Solstice on November 5, 2010, at 10:50:21
In reply to Re: Question » Solstice, posted by Dinah on November 5, 2010, at 8:00:57
> I like your HT. My therapist doesn't feel that degree of responsibility for the relationship, I don't think. He doesn't disavow it either, of course. He's just very laid back.
>
> I think my psychological frailty was just of a slightly different sort. Trust has always been an issue for me. My trust of my therapist, even now, is limited and perhaps conditional. There are ways I trust him and ways I still don't.Dinah -
That's the deal. My HT would say that the reserved trust you feel is healthy. With TT, I was in such desperate pain that I trusted him without reservation. That was fine when things were okay, but when that relationship turned toxic, I trusted him... not me. Kinda like if I put my hand over the gas burner, and then when the fire pops up and it's burning, I don't pull away because I trust the source of the flame - that it means no harm and will figure it out.
It was weird to me initially with my HT regarding trust. HT almost encouraged me to NOT trust him/her. My trust issues didn't bother HT one bit. HT told me I should not trust him/her. Early on s/he told me about a book "If You Meet The Buddah On The Road, Kill Him." (It's about therapy). S/he said I should never trust anyone with abandon... never abandon my own inner voice in favor of another's. HT told me it was 'protective,' to be hesitant to trust and "it'll keep you safe." I read the book and it helped me understand the concept of never handing myself over wholly, and keeping myself with myself.Whereas TT seemed to expect - even demand - that I trust him, HT did the opposite. Sometimes I'd get the question "Do you feel you can trust me?" My long pause and hesitation answering seemed to be greeted with a relieved "Good! I don't expect you to trust me." HT didn't ask me to trust - just asked me to be willing to work out with him/her any problems that came up between us. As a result, over time, a sense of safety... a sense that it's safe to trust.. has taken root. I think at the core of it is that the relationship and the trust is not grounded in HT having perfectly therapeutic responses 100% of the time. Rather, it's grounded in the assurance (based on lots of repetatice experiences) that if there is a problem, HT WILL work it out with me, and we will resolve it together. That's been the big deal for me. That's where my fragile ability to trust has found an alcove of safety from which to live and breathe, and grow more sturdy. I'm a lot more sturdy than I used to be.
So whatever level of trust I feel has always been okay with HT. Sometimes I've been pushed harder than I could manage, or faster than I was able/willing to go. Those turned into those 'work it out together' things. My sense of myself has always been what s/he defers to. HT has acknowledged feeling frustrated at times when I've dug in my heels, but has never left me feeling bad about it. Ever. When we've talked about some of those things in retrospect,it has been interesting to have the 20/20 hindsight and see why my digging in my heels was precisely what needed to take place - and HT's willingness to accommodate it was wisdom.
HT would say to only trust as much as you can. To not trust is self-protection.. which is a good thing. Taking the pressure off of 'having' to trust kind of created more room for it to flourish. And I mean both pressure from HT as therapist, as well as pressure from my own self to 'have' to trust. I don't 'have' to trust, but I will trust as long as I sense it is safe to do so. I learned how to do that during the last year.
Solstice
poster:Solstice
thread:968352
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/968594.html