Posted by peddidle on August 12, 2009, at 17:18:43
I started writing an email to T during that particularly bad 3 day period in late June. It's still sitting on my computer. I thought maybe just writing it, like a journal entry, might help, but now it's just sitting there, confusing me. I edit at least a little bit of it practically every day-- I even wrote in the email that I'm thinking I might as well just send it, because there's always going to be something to add or change. I also wrote at the end that I'm not expecting her to write back, and that I'm not even sure if I want her to, because I don't know if that would make me feel better or worse. (I put a strike-through on "not sure if I even want you to...) In that last VERY brief email I got from her in early June, she said she checks her email every few days-- I think she's back on campus as of the 20th, at which point she'll be checking it on a more regular basis, so she would certainly see my email by then. I don't know what I expect from her-- like I said, I don't know if I want response or not (I WANT to hear from her, but not if it's going to make me miss her even more...). I'm not actually crying all that much, but I feel like crying a lot. I think what's getting me the most right now is that I seem to randomly start thinking about whole experience itself-- I start thinking about how much I looked forward to sessions, then I picture the waiting room, then going into her office, sitting down, seeing her sitting across from me (... yup, that did it-- time to check-off "crying" on my mood tracker for today...)... I just miss it/her/the whole thing so much, and what's worse, is that, aside from the people who see her in her private office, I'm actually jealous of the people that are still in school, and will get to see her soon. I think I'm also afraid she'll forget about me, or that she's already forgotten about me. Rationally, I don't think that's true, but it's how I feel. Also, as of now, I'm going back home at the end of the month, so I'll physically farther away from her, too. I have this false hope that maybe she'll say we could meet for coffee or something to make up for not going to lunch, but, again, I don't know if I'd really want to do that anyway, so I guess it's sort of a moot point regardless.
OK, I think it's time to stop writing and try, likely unsuccessfully, to distract myself. Anyone have any ideas about this situation?
Thank you!
poster:peddidle
thread:911812
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090730/msgs/911812.html