Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 15, 2009, at 18:41:57
In reply to Re: Giving up **triggering**, posted by antigua3 on April 29, 2009, at 19:38:27
dear antigua, it meant so much to me to hear about your experiences as a writer. I don't know personally any writers with mood disorders so it can get kind of lonely. I too go through phases where I avoid writing because of comparisons--and my need to "get it right" with first drafts (ha!) because there are comparatively fewer hours that I can write, as opposed to someone w/out a mood disorder.
I can't believe you are going through similar things. God, I'm so sorry it took me so long to respond to everyone--what selfishness depression induces in me!!
You too are living in a house with needs, as I like to call it? AND you have a son in college? And you struggle with a husband that doesn't "get" your need to keep writing. I am sorry--those are a lot of stressors. How do you keep going? Are you doing okay?
I read (and absorbed!) your comment about just getting outside and walking. I have started to do just that, after this terribly long winter, and it's feeling good. The writing isn't coming yet--I can't concentrate, or rather, I can't seem to refocus from my depression and from mental illness thoughts to thoughts about life in general--does that makes sense?--and neither is the editing work I do (I have a project I am supposed to be completing, but the sentences just kind of string together, and are not resolving into anything meaningful for me). But it will come, I know; and you have helped remind me of that, for which I am really grateful.
The parallels in our lives are so intriguing to me!! May I ask what writing you do--poetry, fiction, non-fiction, magazine?
Finally, I think you are right about not being able to see myself past the age of my father's death. I think you are very accurate about that, in fact. I have always had a hard time believing I could live past that age, and I seem to work myself into a frenzy about it the closer I am to that age.
Oh--I wanted to say--next Thursday I see a new psychiatrist (the old one wasn't cutting it--he's not interested in changing meds), and I do hope, with all I have I hope, that my med situation will get adjusted.
Thanks so much for your note (((((antigua)))))).
> I can't tell you how sorry I am that you feel this way. I can only say that I understand how you feel.
>
> I, too, am a writer and compare myself to the success of my very successful writer friends and I always come up lacking. I go through phases where I avoid writing for this very reason, despite how self-defeating I know this is.
>
> I am tired of fighting with my husband over the lack of my ability to get a job and contribute so that we can keep up with our crumbling house, a son in college and another child getting ready to go.
>
> I'm tired of the meds go round, but mostly I'm tired of the pain like you are. Something keeps me going, I'm not sure what it is, but I can envision what you do, but I hold on tight to something inside. It's faith, I think. Faith that things will change for the better. I have to believe that.
>
> And I isolate myself from my friends because how could I possibly explain this to them, and why would they even understand?
>
> Isolating is not good for me; I know that, but that's my defense mechanism. I just broke an important appt today with people working to help me realize one of my dreams because I simply couldn't handle dealing with them.
>
> Sorry to make this about me. I just wanted to say, You're not alone. You really aren't, and I know how difficult this can be.
>
> I'm really sorry about the no kid part. That must be very hard for you if it's something you really want.
>
> I was struck in your post that you believe that you picture yourself dead at the age one of your parents died. Sometimes people who have experienced such a loss have a really hard time until they get to that age and realize they're still alive. So is there something about this death that is still gripping you? I may be all wrong, so excuse me if I am.
>
> Everything you describe sounds like severe depression. And you have every right to feel that way, but you need help, which I assume you're getting.
>
> You said in an earlier post that you're a giver. So find somewhere, something to give to that will make you feel better.
>
> And write. Don't judge yoursef against others. Easier said than done, I know, but often when we can see behind others success in this realm, it's not what it's all cracked up to be. At least that's been my experience. You know that you are the only one holding yourself back (like me) and I've recently spent a lot of therapy time trying to figure out what it is that I'm so afraid of. I know that it stems from childhood experiences and I have a great deal of fear of both success and failure.
>
> Sometimes I find that forcing myself to sit down and write just a sentence gets me going. Of course, making myself do that can be agonizing, but I usually find that the results are very rewarding.
>
> If the weather is good, get outside for part of the day. I walk. I've also found that if I set myself a strict routine every morning, I can get through that groggy period.
>
> You have friends here. People understand how you're feeling. And if you post, you're writing.
>
> I don't know what else to say. Your post struck so close to home, but I have this sign in my office that says "never, never, never give up." It's my saving grace and I look at it often when I'm trying to write or trying to generate the energy it takes to get through every day.
>
> So, talk to someone, get your meds adjusted and try to get outside of yourself. Just being outside reminds me of the beauty of nature and sometimes that is enough for me.
> antigua
poster:Amelia_in_StPaul
thread:893471
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/895966.html