Posted by muffled on April 18, 2009, at 10:32:58
In reply to Re: Too much pain **Trigger**, posted by SLS on April 18, 2009, at 6:41:58
<Thank you so much. You know I'm stubborn as hell and I'm not going to a new T. I really am not. I get that it's probably a good thing to do, but I just can't go through all that again. It took me four years to talk to this T. I don't have four years to spend in this hell. I really don't.
<It doesn't feel exactly like betrayal, but close. I do know that she cares about me. But I also know that my life is a house of cards, populated by people who are NOT my mother (T), not my lover, not my kids. I have pseudo people in my life. And they leave me. Because they have to go be with their real family.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((<Thanks, Sid. You're probably right that I shouldn't be without a therapist, but I've been pretty adamant that I won't have another one. It's just too hard. And it's not the therapy per se that has helped me in my darkest hours -- it's the connection to this T. I can't just recreate that elsewhere.
<I don't know what I'm going to do. Obviously, we need a better plan than the one I've come up with, which is to no longer be on the planet once she's gone
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<As usual, Dinah, you nailed it. WHY in the heck would I want to make it through this if all I see is pain and all I can hope for afterwards is some kind of numbness?<I do want to clarify that she will have some contact with me. Obviously more limited than what I pictured before I knew she was moving across the state. But I will be able to talk to her on the phone and see her I don't know how often. On this, we can't seem to agree either.
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Ya lots good said here.
I really like how scott presented some stuff. Well worded.I was mute long time w/first T.
She went nuts trying to help me speak. Used walks, dogs, being outside, I dunno, LOTS. Mostly she just teach me stuff, cuz I not talk. She teach me it OK to talk.
Now w/new T, I was able to talk some right away.
I still not good at it, and after a year, i still not quite trust, but i working on it.
I do OK mostly w/life, but ya. sometimes things seem to go off the rails.
So ya, I still need T to be the best I can be. And while I not connected to new T like old T yet, I still feel at least like I got someboddy out there that knows the real ME more, cuz rest of world see's only parts of me. Mebbe that kinda like your pseudo thing you talking about.
TG, you gots lotsa niceness, but you in a hard place right now. But you can crawl out and be better, and then get people into your world. But it kinda hard to do that while all messed.
Sorry this is choppy, I keep going back to read your posts.
So you 'adamant' that you not gonna get a new T. Hmmmm, sounds kinda like you mad huh? Kinda stubborn huh? Kinda makes me smile in a way, cuz I admire stubborness :-) but then if a body gets too stubborn, well, that I not admire so much.......
See, you CAN develop a relationship w/a new T. Like I said, I still working on it w/mine. And its getting there, but takes time.
I dunno, its just I dunno exactly what is driving your cry of I AM NOT GETTING A NEW T. ? Cuz you KNOW that you need to, you said so. You just being angry and stubborn and making it harder on yourself (maybe self punishment??) and I used to do that ALOT. Still do sometimes.
But depression messes up out thinking, stress does too.
So mebbe I just tell you what I would tell you if you was my f2f friend...
I would kick you butt (quite possibly literally :-0!!!) and I would work with you to find a new T. Would drive you there to some trial interviews etc.
I can't do that via internet.
How, with my words can I tell you I DO care, and I don't want you to do that which is gonna cause you more harm.
OK, so lecture over.
I not mean to piss you off, but I care is all.
And FWIW, I think a new T is allus good, cuz sometimesa I think if we w/same T for too ling...then growth is challenged, cuz we get stuck in ruts over and over.
A fresh new perspective can be a breath of fresh air.That is also an untrue statement, 'that all I can hope for is numbness'. How do you KNOW this to be true?
I thot same when I almost blew my head off, but I didn't do it, and I here, and I glad I here, But at the time, I didn't, COULDN'T see nothing else.
So mebbe you gotta allow us babblers to help you 'see', to help you challenge your distortions of thinking.
Cuz I am seeing distortions.
What you could hope for, is more peace, you could hope for a days where you can see beauty, you could hope for some genuine hugs, you could hope to give and receive some heart warming smiles.......
And, yes, T is not dead, she still gonna be out there.
Like my old T, I still comminicate w/her from time to time.
And you can do that w/your T.
The relationship will be different, but she still there.
And ya, I thinkl some VERY clear parameters for communication would be very helpful to say the least.
So I hope this post don't come across too harsh TG, its just you seem kinda stuck in a loop, and I want to push you outta that loop so you can move ahead.
Its what I do for a friend.
An aquantance...I might just kinda say placating things, but to a friend, well, I gonna tell 'em what I think, right or wrong, and hopefully, if there's trouble over it, we work it out, and on we go.
Its hard for me, cuz I been reading your posts awhile TG, and see much that is good.
I hope you can bust out of your darkness and reach out to new ideas and hope.
I kinda nervous to post this.
Sorry if I incponsistant in posting to you, cuz I kinda raw from time to time.
But I still out there, and I do think of you.
Best wishes to you.
And sincer I kinda seem stuck in a kick butt mode....mebbe you could give that T of yours a kick from me?
Hmmmmm.
I think I gonna have to analyze myself and this butt kicking tendancy I have....
Hmmmm,
fodder for T!
On I go!
Take care,
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:891135
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/891391.html