Posted by DAisym on March 15, 2009, at 13:19:28
In reply to Trying to hold on to my creativity, posted by FindingMyDesire on March 15, 2009, at 10:27:36
I can relate to that whole "it is working out well so now I want to run away feeling." I think for some of us, our creativity was a piece that we knew was "us" - no one could take it or change it but it was hugely vulnerable to shame. I live with a loud, "who do you think you are that you think you might be good at writing?" voice.
My whole life I've wanted to be a writer. I love words and books and seeing how you can paint a picture in someone's mind with the right sentence choices. I've also been told my whole life that this was a stupid dream, "you'll starve to death" etc. etc. I majored in Journalism in college, only to hear "great, you'll be a waitress with a degree," and went to work in advertising out of college. I was a copy writer - writing but not doing the kind of writing I wanted to do. Eventually I switched careers into human services and writing now is mostly journaling, poetry and grants. But guess what? I do a pretty good job with those grants - because I know how to tell a story with words. (Guess who I'm talking to here?!) But I still long to be a "real" writer - to take the risk you are taking and follow my creative passion. I envy your courage.
I think you are offering a core piece of yourself in this project and wanting to shut down is wanting to protect yourself. It does make sense but I think you have to fight and fight and fight that voice. Listen to your friends and keep reading what you wrote about "people are asking to be photographed and they are into it." You aren't so powerful that you can force them to do something they don't want. Believe your eyes and your experience. Don't throw it out.
I'm glad you called your therapist. It made me smile to read what you wrote about knowing what she would say - you sound like me. I often tell my therapist that there is no reason to call him, I can already hear him in my head. He usually responds, "I think it has a lot more to do with hearing it and connecting, than it does with what I actually say." He is right.
So keep at it. And maybe, with your example, I'll actually write something for publication one day.
poster:DAisym
thread:885445
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/885478.html