Posted by Dinah on December 19, 2008, at 17:17:04
It really is. It's not like I can put my finger on what it is he does.
I came in an absolute wreck last Friday. My deadline was Monday, I hadn't been able to work very well. I think perimenopause is messing up my mood stability. I was sobbing and shaking and hiccuping the whole session. In fact, the little sob-gasp-hiccups lasted for hours afterwards. I can't think of anything brilliant he did. In fact, I only remember two things he said. I was wailing at him that I didn't understand why he was being so nice to me when it was my own fault that I always end up this way. That I must not be trying hard enough. He responded with a smile in his voice that it was because he loves me and cares about me, even when I'm not doing the right things. And I told him all the horrible things about me, and asked him if that wasn't more than enough to dislike. And he paused for just a second, then admitted that yes, it was plenty enough to dislike. I don't know why, but that cheered me up immensely. I remember watching him momentarily consider what to answer, then having a look of decision cross his face.
When I left, I was able to work. It was amazing. I'd been such a wreck. Tuesday we did a postmortem on my meltdown. (He says I overanalyze things, but really, that *is* me.) I told him that he was magic, that no one else could do what he does, and that I don't know how I'd ever do without him. I begged him not to leave me. He insisted that if there was magic, it wasn't in him. It was in the relationship. That we've created something helpful together. I don't know.... It seems like magic to me that I'd even want to try to build that kind of relationship. But I do see the sense of it.
And... Well... We were talking about the fact that I clearly still need him. That the relationship was still important to help keep me on even keel. But that when there wasn't a crisis, I sometimes got bored. And he admitted to sometimes being bored! I know that might not sound like a good thing, and I'm hesitant to post about it. But I was so touched that he trusted me enough to say so. He has never ever admitted to bored before. He's admitted to angry and sleepy, but no matter how logical it is to realize he's sometimes bored, he has always absolutely refused to admit it. I was so pleased with him, and told him so. I was so proud of our relationship. We're going to think about it. It's hard to come up with new material after so long. And like I told him, we may feel like an old married couple of the comfy shoe variety, but it's not like we can sit comfortably together and watch TV. He teased that he'd be happy to set up a TV in his office. :)
Also he said himself Tuesday something I've been thinking to myself for a while. I've been a bit frustrated because when I mentioned something I need to work on, he seems disinclined to consider it a problem. I have wondered if maybe he's grown fond enough of me that he sees my flaws as endearing. And sure enough, he used that exact term. I was telling him that something I do is probably annoying. He smiled and said "Maybe, but it's endearing." I wanted to say "I knew it!!! You find me endearing! How can you be detached enough to help me with this stuff if you find it endearing?!"
But I figured that would be a really churlish thing to fuss about...
In fact, I feel a bit bad about writing about it here. I know we've really created a wonderful relationship. I know he's fond of me, and that I'm important to him as a person. I'm so honored that he can feel that way. And since I can feel it before he ever admits it, I know he's not just trying to make me feel good, or making it up.
poster:Dinah
thread:869691
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/869691.html