Posted by rskontos on December 9, 2008, at 11:10:19
In reply to Re: Dissociation and me As I see it (triggers-maybe) » rskontos, posted by lucie lu on December 8, 2008, at 19:09:37
> Rsk,
>
> That was a treat, for you to give some insight into your therapy and how you are slowly introducing DID into the picture. It must have felt very good, when you brought the subject up, to have him confirm and validate it this time, rather than the previous "oh yeah, you're DID, let's move on" response. Did he really do that before, or is that just how you imagined he might react? I like his deep perception and empathy about the critical importance of gaining your trust and his willingness to wait patiently until you've built up enough to delve into difficult areas. And he is letting you know that every little bit of "babbling" you can muster, even though it may seem inconsequential to you, is still adding stone by stone to the bridge you are building together that will end up connecting you. From the personal qualities you describe, it sounds like you and he are a very good match.No he never said the you are DID let's move on, that was my perception so that is why I gathered up the courage to ask.
I had so much trouble speaking about my dissociative events that I would start, he would have a look on his face I misinterpreted and I would change the subject. We discussed his look, it is of concern, too me it looks like a look I've seen in my flashbacks of an abuser. So that is why I clam up. And why he felt the need to get more trust in the therapy room. I guess I always thought every session needed to be "deep" talk, I never saw all the discussions we have had on subjects ranging from politics, to movies, to my family (current), to things I do now, to how I feel on various things as being building a foundation for the opening up of my discussion of past events that are downright hard to talk about. Things I have never told anyone.
>
> You probably mention it in other posts, but how long have you been seeing this T and how many times a week? I think it was your pdoc who gave you the dx, or am I forgetting?This month is a year. He is my p-doc and therapist. I go now once a week. In the beginning when I was in crisis I saw him three times, two times, as many times as I needed. Then it was twice a week, now once. I am the one that reduced. I have tried to quit three times. He resists that quitting thing for me. And he says as we get deeper into thin gs I will try to quit again. So he is the one that dx'd me. And he is the one doing therapy. He has treated many DD's/DID.
>
> You said you have trouble holding onto the good feelings from a session for very long afterwards. I'm curious what you think about that. I would have thought that good feelings would be less likely to be dissociated, but maybe it doesn't work that way. Having trouble holding on like that has been a long-standing problem for me too. Except that I am starting to wonder (my case, not yours)if this is something I do to sabotage myself, not to let myself enjoy the pleasure of connection for long. Or maybe that's being overly analytical for me, maybe I just have a bad memory ;)
One of the reasons I think I have a hard time is the many others I have that sabotage my good feelings. My fragments don't trust anyone. My constant chat about no don't trust him. He is wrong. He will hurt you like everyone else and so on. And my emotional ineptness. I just can't access my emotions in a calm rational manner most of the time. If something happens I usually can try to either go numb, and try to be clinical about it but if I reach overload then I am off and running and I have to retreat into my head to escape all the bad that happens from those situations. My son can so trigger me and it takes walking away from him so I can stay even and calm. It is a fight everyday. So he triggers the teenager in me big time. That is why I think I can't hold on. I just am unable to effective access my emotions since I don't really hold most of them, they usually remain hidden to me. And when I do access them, they come with baggage. And it ain't pretty baggage. You understand what I mean. The unresolved issues from childhood through my teenage years when I had to protect myself and hide from the world what really went on.>
> It is interesting that your son seems more aware of your dissociation that your H. It probably would feel a whole lot better if your family knew, and were accepting and supportive of you. Maybe that's not easy to even imagine. Seems like one of the worst things about DID is the apparent need for shrouding it in secrecy, and how that separates you from others. But I guess it is also self-protective, so you won't be pressed to handle material before you are ready. If there was anywhere in therapy that the "baby steps" injunction applies, I would think it would be here.Well early on my p-doc/t wanted to include my H and family. We made an appointment. I went into a dissociative state and cancelled the appointment. My H went and my t already had someone there. I was unaware I did this. My t did not pick up on it. I left a message. I think my inners were more aware that my H would not handle it well or else just protecting me. Recently my H and I had a conversation. I related it to my T and he said you are right we need to keep your H out of this for now.
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> Thank you again for posting. I was sorry to see, in muffled's thread, that you originally did not feel too comfortable talking about it, so I'm very glad you found that you could and decided to share.It was not Muffled it was the subject and something else. But it doesn't matter now. I overcame it. I am glad it is something I need to do so it doesn't have such a hold over me.
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> I wish you all the best, rsk.Thanks sweetie.
I should post more about how Therapy goes because it really helps me. But I tend to try and work it out alone and that doesn't always work so well when you have too many voices that really aren't so positive. I will try to post more so maybe I can hang on to the positive feelings with Babblers' help.
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:867558
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867705.html