Posted by Partlycloudy on November 19, 2008, at 12:39:57
Have been hearing some pretty gruesome family history stuff. Yet I'm feeling more grounded, appropriately sorrowful, and not as yucky about the latest revelations.
I had decided to do some backdoor history gathering for my CSA recovered memories - basically, trying to confirm what my family had been going through collectively generally around the time we had moved from one province to another, and my siblings and I had been scattered to 4 different schools, and my mother gone to work for the first time.
So I talked with my older sister about the move. She said that we moved because of the political climate at the time, and our dad was able to get a transfer with his job to this other province. And not long after we moved, it so happened that us kids all ended up in different schools because of the skewed academic criteria in each of the provinces, weird but not unusual. So her memories agreed with mine.
Then, I made a critical error - I called my mother and asked HER about what had happened. Talk about dropping a bomb. (She's got this habit of being completely inappropriate and not the least bit maternal, just to preface.) So she tells me that the move was a desperation measure by our dad, because she had been planning to move out of the house and go to this other province (where she still held a valid professional license). She was just going to leave us four kids with this alcoholic father and move hundreds of miles away. He countered with - instead of just you moving, I'll get a transfer and we'll make a fresh start of it.
(Which didn't really work out in the long run. They eventually divorced.)
So I'm on the other end of the phone with my mother, and all I could think of to say was, "Well, I was pretty young when we moved and all, and I just wasn't sure of the whole sequence of events, so I wanted to ask you because I knew you would remember better." <<<Gaaaak!!!!>>> (Note to self - Do Not Call Mother Any Time Soon For Any Reason Except to Discuss Current Weather Conditions!!!)
It does actually get worse.
I then called my sister to, uh, double check those memories of hers about the circumstances of the move, and told her of what our mother divulged. ("Gross," is pretty much what my sister had to say.) And I asked my sister - 35 years later than I had first asked her this question - about the name of the person who molested me. (I warned her I was going to drop a bomb of my own.)
We went back and forth, because she can't recall the name, exactly. But she was introduced to HUNDREDS of people at her school when she arrived, so it makes perfect sense that the sick young man who targeted me would use her name as his introduction as he did. A moot point, really.
The tragedy, the real tragedy, though, is that my sister had her own story to confess to me. Something that happened before I was even BORN. My sister was so very young. ((((((My sister)))))) And it's something that she has not been able to put out of her mind for all these years. What an awful experience to bond us together. Does this evil never end? Where was our mother? She really abandoned us long before she ever walked out that door, I completely understand that now. And she can never be there for any of us, even as she lives still. She is utterly incapable of that intimacy and comfort.
So, where am I in all of this? The medications must be working. I've cried a bit, but I'm pretty calm. I've spoken with my therapist. My anxiety is under control, and I'm sleeping. Kind of like I have all the tools in place, and they are doing their work, thank heavens.
So that's where I am today. I'm getting through this, incredibly. You get through it.
poster:Partlycloudy
thread:864005
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/864005.html