Posted by Wittgensteinz on October 29, 2008, at 15:25:49
In reply to Re: Rupture in therapy (long) » Wittgensteinz, posted by seldomseen on October 29, 2008, at 6:34:17
Thanks Seldom, I read your post several times to take it in. I found it very perceptive.
The problem with his comment about the other 135 sessions is that this sharpness is nothing new. We've had a number of these incidences the last couple of months, and before that maybe 2 or 3 times something like this has happened. This time was somehow worse - perhaps it's a cumulative effect. He has said in the past that I hold him to high standards - and that I have to realise he is only human. I don't want him to feel pressured to be the 'perfect therapist' but my trust is so shaky that any opportunity for me to doubt his intentions and I do.
What I think is important is that I hold onto the many very kind and unexpected things he has done for me - the times he has gone out of his way to support me. He is not a big one for soft words - he is not 'Mr Empathy' at the best of times. That's just not his style and that I accepted from the beginning as I got to know him. Perhaps for a long while I've wished he could be just a bit more soft and compassionate when I'm really having a hard time. His tissues are hidden away in a draw at the back of his office. They only ever come out if I ask - he has never offered a tissue (oh, maybe once he did actually). He doesn't ever say "it's ok" or other things to that effect, but he is a good therapist and very dedicated. It's not his job but his life.
A thought I have at this moment is, am I strong enough for this level of support to be enough? The outbreaks of sharpness are not helping but the pain I'd feel from walking away albeit only for a short time could be far worse. I actually feel very sorry for him that I reacted to his sharpness as I did - I feel bad that he's now having a difficult time with me due to it. My desire is to take him some chocolates the next session as a 'peace offering' - I'm not really sure why I want to do this - I find it hard/impossible to be angry with a person or suppose that my rights should come higher than another's.
I think I need to ask him to be honest about his mistrust - my mistrust is obvious, but what about his?
As for the question of forgiveness, this is interesting. I'm not a religious person, but after the OD, that next session, one of the first things I asked him was whether he could forgive me for what I did. He said yes, that that wouldn't be difficult, but that things wouldn't be the same now. Obviously, something like that can't just be ignored or forgotten about, but things aren't the same now but in a rather negative/worrying way.
Regarding the rules - I'm not one to test the rules - and he has said as much in the past. I know the boundaries are there for a good reason and I appreciate the boundaries.
It was refreshing to be honest with the Pdoc about having fantasied about hanging myself. He asked how much I had planned - asked if I had a place, such as from a tree outside and I laughed - there are always children playing outside, the idea of doing such a thing there seemed absurd. I would never have such a conversation with my T - I'd seen him just some hours earlier and didn't mention anything of having felt suicidal - it would have seemed mean to have admitted that - "look what you went and did to me this weekend!". The Pdoc said "what an awful thought, how awful you are feeling this way" - again this astounded me somewhat. I can't imagine my T ever saying something like that. At most he'd say "well these fantasies don't bring us further" or "well you cannot act out on that", if even that.
I agree, it was not about the military service (or at least not for me) - well perhaps in retrospect, it was something sensitive for my T. He was born just at the end of WWII and was a little boy in a Dutch city that was badly effected by the bombing. I doubt he was old enough to remember that though, but maybe his father was active in the war.
Anyway, thank you for your very thought-provoking response.
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:859655
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/859752.html