Posted by FindingMyDesire on October 2, 2008, at 23:21:54
I don't post often, but I'm just freaking out tonight. My stomach is burning and for the last few days I can't stop thinking about her.
My T went on vacation - a perfectly respectable thing to do. I love her so much that of course I want her to enjoy time off with her family. But, it also has me crazy.
While she has been gone I have had to face the fact that my second pregnancy will most likely end in miscarriage (I just went through this in June) and I got legally married to my partner (our third wedding in 8 years). Two REALLY huge things - very bad and very good while she has been gone. Away. Not available.
She asked if I could stay connected to her while she was gone (meaning in my mind I guess). Well... yes. I thought. Instead what has happened is that I started having sexual fantasies about her - two days before my last appointment with her. It so freaked me out that I didn't even talk in our last appointment - which is really rare.The timing is all weird - with the miscarriage and the wedding...
But, I'm not surprised by my feelings for her on the one hand - I have talked about feeling aroused by her before and a pretty intense, somewhat sexualized story I wrote about her (well, really me) that I even shared with her.
But this is different. I just feel *so* much for her now. I have been seeing her for two years now - pretty much to the day. And these are the first real sexual fantasies I have had about her.
They make sense in a way - I am expressing my love in some where I am just sweeping her off her feet with my love-making. Others she is "doing" me in ways that would show how much she knows about me - the real private stuff I have shared.
But, it's too much. I'm too much. My attachment is too much. I feel so much love for her my palms hurt. On the other hand I'm hurting that she is not here and I just feel like I can't face any of this in front of her - my feelings of sorrow, my love and attraction to her, my anger that she is not here for me now. I'm all messed up about it.
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:855379
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/855379.html