Posted by lucie lu on October 1, 2008, at 14:03:59
In reply to I feel sad, posted by Angela2 on September 30, 2008, at 16:27:25
Hi Angela,
I'm sorry that you feel so bad and can certainly relate, having felt that way many, many times. My tendency when I feel down on myself also is to avoid people. Other people seem so together compared with how I feel at those times and making friends seems so intimidating. Even seeing old friends can seem daunting, especially if you're expecting more from them than you're likely to get from another person. Much of this is depression talking but since you brought up habits, it is my belief that there are good people-habits, just like good exercise, sleep, eating or other self-care habits. I completely agree with Llurpsie and PC in everything they said in their posts.
I used to think, when I was feeling like you are now, that my "mental-health improvement plan" was to find one "good friends." I imagined that my search was for a person I could really bare my soul to, and we could sit and have coffee and talk about everything for hours, and so on. It doesn't seem to work that way, at least not very often. Connections, like many things, take time to take root and grow. Although I opened myself up to some new experiences (e.g. night class) no one fit the bill and I just felt lonelier. Then, after a lot of work in therapy, I started feeling a little better about myself, a little more adventurous. I was still uncertain about looking for friends, but I made it my goal to find limited but genuine contacts maybe be open to a person who I liked and shared maybe one thing in common, an interest or activity, even if it didn't seem we'd have much in common beyond that. Maybe just someone I enjoyed talking with at a parent's meeting, or at the gym, or a class or whatever. The only stipulation I gave myself was that I had to be genuine and not put on a front in these encounters. I also practiced really listening to them, to what they were saying, instead of thinking about myself and how awkward and uncomfortable I was feeling. Somewhat to my surprise, I found that people actually seemed to like me. That gave me courage to try a bit more.
It's still very much a work in progress, but I have become more sociable and am less afraid of people now and enjoy them more.The long and the short of it is, that I discovered (what may have been obvious to other people but not to me) that you could have your real self recognized and validated in bits at a time, with a breadth of people and in different situations. Then you increasingly gain confidence in acceptance of your real self by other people. Eventually you gain enough confidence in yourself and others that you can be open to new friendships, feel good about yourself, have at least some of your social needs met, and not be so lonely and isolated.
I hope this advice doesn't sound too vacuous but it is based on my experience with feelings like yours. You are already doing good things that put you "out there" instead of staying inside and alone. That's a great start. So taking it from there, I guess my advice is also to take baby steps, keep reasonable expectations (high ones unnecessarily put such a burden on you and your new connections), and try to branch out into new areas to see if you can to broaden your contacts. Make your goal simple and attainable, like maybe just to connect a little with a new person but trying to be genuinely you. After a while, you'll get better and better at it and the connections will get stronger. The you'll feel better about yourself and you're into an upward spiral.
Sorry if this is a bit rambling - I'm on a break at work and have to get back, but I wanted to reply to you.
Angela, you do sound like a sweet person, someone worth knowing and enjoyable to be with. So keep up the good efforts!
Good luck and wishing you all the best,
Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:854960
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/855106.html