Posted by obsidian on September 29, 2008, at 22:20:38
In reply to Re: I wish my state of mind were more stable, posted by Nadezda on September 29, 2008, at 11:03:16
> I don't think of being off meds, because I remember too well how I was without them. I resisted taking them for most of my life, and I wonder about so many things in the past that went wrong, now. Of course, I can't use SSRIs and I doubt I would have gotten what I have, so maybe it wouldn't have made any difference. But I wouldn't go back.
I was just taking the darn pills and I heard one drop to the floor, and then I couldn't find it. I think it was the lamictal, so I got another and took that...hope I got it right.
> They don't work completely. And if I forget one, or take a little more of another (my pdoc has given me some leaway), it's throws me into this jittery gloominess. I'm always late, and sometimes forget ( there are so many, at different times of day)--. Then there's sleeping, or not sleeping, which is its own ordeal-- with seroquel I can sleep, but it makes me gain weight, so I don't take it every night. Yeah-- meds in themselves are a strain as well as a godsend.I take seroquel, and it has made me gain weight. It also stops the ruminating at night, which is why I think it helps with anxiety. I just don't have the chance to get keyed up.
I hate being a chemistry experiment.
>
> You say you'd like to hide under a rock. It's pretty dark and cramped there-- I can say from my hiding place. And lonely. And boring and unstimulating. Although nothing devastating ever happens. Sometimes I don't see the sun, or breathe fresh air for days or even weeks. It's not agoraphobia, just loss of desire.Boring would be nice for a while. I'd be ok with just not being bombarded by stimuli. I'm not meant for it. Perhaps a nice cave then? We could paint the walls, maybe install a screen door, get a lava lamp...it could be alright
> I've been struggling to go to a class-- for the last four months, I sign up every month and don't go. (Luckily they're very inexpensive.) I keep obsessing about it, and talk about it with my T, who is angry that I never have the courage or commitment-- and work myself into a hopeful state, only to freeze at the last minute. The irony is, I have a good locker in the hall (the prime lockers are in the hall) and I think I'm almost signing up not to lose the locker, and to bring the equipment home, and then have to admit failure. I want to be the kind of person who can do this. It would be really awful if I just never could be.
A locker is a good thing. Can you say what type of class it is? Is it lack of desire, anxiety or both?
I have done that before. I've signed up for classes and then didn't finish. I just didn't have the interest or energy to see it through.
I took a modern dance class once...I got tired of leaping across a gymnasium floor at the local high school....but it was nice for a while ;-)
> There are the bad months and years, and and better days and times, but what does it add up to? A lot of failures, it seems. I can't figure it out. Is it just to keep my spirits, in my own private fantasy world, up-- to help me pretend that I'm doing something and not just totally worthless?I wish I could remember this thing I read today...something about keeping up with yourself and not with anyone else. mmm..but I know about the failures thing. It takes a lot of energy to keep going. What is the "something" that you have to be doing?
> So, Sid, how are you today? any better than yesterday? or it this sense of self-hatred persisting lately? I know you've mentioned it before-- but I don't know if it's every day now, or only sometimes.
It's a fairly consistent thing now...seems to have gotten worse - but I think its been brewing for a while, but I made it to work today. I'm just trying to go through the motions. I feel too raw otherwise.
thanks for asking :-)
-sid
poster:obsidian
thread:854714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854865.html