Posted by Lemonaide on July 26, 2008, at 22:45:40
I don't obsess over the session, I don't control the session, I mainly go in, and TRUST that he will do what I am paying him to do.
I have read some of my very old posts, and I was more concerned about what my T thinks and does. Well I am not his T, I should have been thinking about me and my life. But now I don't second guess my T, I just trust him most of the time, knowing he knows what he is doing. I just don't obsess much over my sessions now.
So I think a big thing it comes down to is TRUST. Since I truly trust my T, I don't obsess over how he says something, looking for the hidden things, I just am who I am, and I allow him to be him. Maybe I have grown because therapy is so different now.
I am thinking about meeting with my old T, and I am thinking I am tired of thinking about it. Part of me wants to say F*CK THIS SH*T WITH HIM. But then part of me WANTS HIM TO KNOW WHAT DAMAGE HE DID TO ME. DOES HE EVEN KNOW??????????
I am sure after he talks to my T, he will know, but whether he owns his part in it, I will see. I am also going to tell him avoidance of issues and things in life, doesn't make them go away. His techniques he tried to have me learn, will help me "in the moment."
Well the way he avoided the counter-transference, the erotic one with me with avoidance. Well that doesn't work. He should have seeked consolation, like my current T did in the same situation. Not being up front with me, caused me to not trust him. Made me question everything.My current T says that I am super sensitive to things because of my past and my T should have never have said the things he did to me. It devastated me, he meant so much to me. It damaged me. My T helped me overcome a lot of it because I understand my part in it. But shame on my T, he lost his head, he lost his objectivity. But I know he didn't intentionally try to hurt me, just things got out of hand at the moment. He lost his cool. If he would get his head out of his *ss and listen to me when I said I wasn't okay, things might have been different. I also think the feelings that developed between us probably would have prevented me from healing completely. When I am concerned about his ego, of telling him just how bad I feel, that tells me the relationship changed from being theraputic.
I am do glad I have my current T. I just am me, and he accepts me, however I look or feel. There are no expectations. His ego isn't wrapped up in my recovery. So without having to spend all my time on in therapy talking about "the relationship", thinking about "the relationship" outside of the office, etc. It doesn't leave much else to think about other than to try to work on yourself. Maybe I have progressed to this, I don't know. But I know it is different. It is so much better. Okay, enough rambling for now. lol
poster:Lemonaide
thread:842223
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080709/msgs/842223.html