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Re: Sigh. Shoo me away if you see me. » Lemonaide

Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2008, at 13:26:27

In reply to Re: Sigh. Shoo me away if you see me., posted by Lemonaide on July 20, 2008, at 10:12:15

I know you're right. (See my avoidant middle name above.) I have very ambivalent feelings about work, and even off babble I'm having trouble forcing myself to focus.

I really want to be a homemaker, rather than try to do both, and do neither well. However, that would effectively entail giving over all financial control to my husband, which would not be pretty. And it would mean giving up my therapist for the most part. Maybe I could see him every once in a while. Right now that seems unthinkable.

So I'm trying to motivate myself. I was so furious with myself this morning that I got into thoughts of hurting myself if I didn't work. Or, more positively, I realized that the boss who yells at everyone rarely yells at me. I'd always thought it was because he was afraid I'd cry. But he asked for my help the other day, and I realize he often bounces ideas off me or asks for my help. Maybe he not only doesn't want me to cry, but actually respects me and my contributions. If I could internalize that it would help a lot. I'm way more easily led than driven. And if I feel valued and helpful at work, instead of how I feel right now, I'm way more likely to want to do it. Feeling valued and helpful leads me more than money can drive me, I think.

And of course their are nonpsychological reasons too. The virus I had, then the vertigo, then the migraines that I got from the inner ear problems when I looked at words too long, then the other virus I got and still have. Sigh. I think they may have mushified my brain and wrecked my concentration as well as caused me to feel really really down in a way that feels more biological than psychological.

 

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poster:Dinah thread:840831
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