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how I'm doing **multiple trigs**long**

Posted by raisinb on May 14, 2008, at 12:19:51

There has been a lot of drama. On Thursday, I quit. Then Friday, I was so upset that I just--lost it--went into a full-blown state of feeling totally worthless and wanting to die. I came home and started taking every sleeping pill in the house. I didn't necessarily think I'd kill myself, but I wanted out. Then it didn't happen, so I called my T. By the time she called back, they were kicking in and I said I was groggy and had to go. She yelled that I was scaring her and kept calling while I was sleeping.

I woke up several hours later and called her back. I was still pretty groggy. We had a cataclysmic fight. I can't believe some of the things I said to her. I called her out on her dream (some of you might remember that), told her exactly what it meant--that she couldn't help me, knew it, and was extremely guilty--that I was meeting her needs rather than the other way around, etc. I threatened to kill myself and told her it would be her fault. It was--wow.

Then I took about eighteen more pills and drank a bottle of wine. When I woke up I thought, "whoa, that's over (therapy). She'll definitely dump me now." I felt all the shock of abandonment, but I also felt extreme relief. Then I realized I'd done some of it to make her dump me.

She didn't. She called later and asked how we'd work through this. I told her this wasn't good for me right now and I needed a break and I'd come back in a few weeks. She told me to call her if I needed to.

I don't know whether to go back or not. I am pretty ashamed of myself and don't want to face her. I also don't know how much of the episode was my depression reaching its peak, and how much was her fault. I need her. But what if it's more destructive than helpful?

I decided I had to do something right away, so I started taking Wellbutrin. It's going pretty well. I already feel very different. It's like I woke up. I can see the beauty in people's faces again. I get things done. The only problem is I can't sleep more than four hours a night, even with Lunesta. But I don't get tired. We'll see.

I am sad, mixed up, worried, but it's better than I was. When the depression was bad, I didn't have any normal emotions at all. All I felt was complete worthlessness and wanting to die.




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