Posted by raisinb on May 4, 2008, at 16:28:40
In reply to Re: guess I'm getting there *suicide trigs* » raisinb, posted by Dinah on May 4, 2008, at 13:41:56
<My therapist and I have actually talked about this. I'm a relatively pragmatic person, and if I'm not getting what I want I say so in as gentle but direct a way I can. What we've decided is that it isn't having these things come unbidden that is the proof of caring, it's the being willing to listen and try to provide what the other needs that is the proof of caring. That's what we've worked out together anyway, and it works for us.
I like this idea, and my therapist does provide concrete things that I ask for, or tell her work. Since she refuses to say directly that she cares about me, however, it's problematic to talk about things as honestly as you and your therapist do. I can cite many, many instances in the past few years when I think she's shown caring.
But what if I was wrong? Then I'd lose them. The memories and what I have internalized. So I am too scared to talk about what I need when it relates to knowing that she cares. Because of this boundary of hers things on this subject have gotten very tangled.
<Hmmm... I'm going to have to adapt this from old Sunday School lessons, so please forgive any awkwardness. But you can tell which is the truth and which is a lie by comparing those feelings or thoughts with what you know to be true. If you compare each thought to global truths, the sort of things you would say to others and the sort of thing you would say if asked in a way that left out emotional entanglement, which would you say was more likely to be true? Does your store of general beliefs and wisdom say that people in general live such worthless lives that they don't deserve to be alive? Or that there are relatively normal decent people whose lives are so devoid of meaning that they don't deserve to live? Is that something you would say to someone else? What objective criteria do you think you would use to tell me, for example, that my life is without worth? If I didn't see any meaning in my life, what would you tell me?
If you evaluate the two divergent feelings in light of your global impersonal knowledge, which do you think is a lie? Or could the truth lie somewhere in between? If I were to be totally honest with myself, I'd say my life has meaning, but perhaps not as much meaning as it could have. That I've made choices that have me in a less than ideal place. And that if I start right now making better choices about my priorities, I could have a more meaningful and joy filled life. And I'd also acknowledge that joy and happiness don't come as easily to me as they do to some. And that my life will have its fair share of not-joy. And more than its fair share of anxiety, terror, and abject misery.>
First of all, I thought this was beautiful, not awkward :)
I know I would never tell anyone his or her life lacked meaning. I don't think one can decide that from the outside. I want to believe that there is a purpose to things, but it is hard. I am only intermittently religious; my halfhearted Catholic upbringing (combined with my mother's very odd New Agey tendencies) didn't leave me much.
I *know* things have a purpose sometimes. Other times I don't. And I can't seem to control the switching back and forth. I can't seem to find a way to keep the meaning when it doesn't just happen to me. I know that probably doesn't make much sense.
It might be less that I believe I don't deserve to live, as that I just don't feel like I want to right now. And because I feel I am not that important to others, I don't think there is much holding me here.
I know what I would tell me if I were someone else. I try to tell myself these things but my inner voice lacks any conviction, you know? And it is so hard to try.
poster:raisinb
thread:826771
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080423/msgs/827164.html