Posted by Annierose on April 3, 2008, at 14:38:52
A babble friend e-mailed me and wondered what was up.
It's not that I have been avoiding posting or reading (I read just about every day) but I'm in a place where I feel mostly non-verbal.
My therapist and I are working on some very old memories that I struggle to put into words. She has been helping me put words to the feelings - the loneliness, ugliness, the "I'm a bother" type feelings - but then I stop myself from talking more about them. A sudden wave of nausea overcomes me. Today she reminded me that was fear talking and now I am safe, I'm no longer powerless. She asked me why I felt foolish crying. I have cried in her office many times but this time it feels unstoppable. That the tears won't stop and I'll look and feel stupid.
Me: I'll be all alone.
T: You need to confront this fear so it will no longer have this power over you. You are not that little girl anymore. You believed it was all you and not that your mother struggled with her own mental illness that got pasted onto you.
Me: I was hoping when I said 'I'll be all alone' you would have said, 'But you are not alone, I'm right here.'
T: Yes, of course I'm right here, that goes without saying, I assume you know that I'm always right here. You worry that I'll reject you and I won't. I'm not that person.
Just about at that moment, I could hear her next client come into her waiting room so even though the tears began to fall, I didn't say much afterwards.
I read what Fallsfall wrote to Dinah (in a post above) about just "being" in the therapy room without trying to analyze the feelings before the therapist does. I think I'm moving slowly in that direction. Dumping all these thoughts onto her lap - daring, "Now what?". When I told her what I wished she would have said, that was big for me. I told her what I needed - plain and clear. And she didn't get mad or angry or rejecting.
When time was up I said, "Monday seems so far away, what am I supposed to do with all these feelings?"
Instead of showing me the door, she gave me a little analogy to ponder. "It's like you have been walking with a stone in your shoe. You keep trying to ignore the stone but it's bothering your feet. So you take out the stone and examine it - 'So this is the little devil that has been causing my foot so much pain' - you look at the stone from all directions, you even hold it in your hand, until one day you finally toss the stone and realize that you are much more comfortable with yourself without holding the stone in your shoes."
If only life AND therapy were that simple. I get her point. I think I just took the stone out of my shoe and am examining it.
I'm liking Dinah's river rock more and more.
poster:Annierose
thread:821363
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080321/msgs/821363.html