Posted by llurpsienoodle on March 25, 2008, at 8:15:20
In reply to Re: 25% or more defective - trigger, posted by Daisym on March 24, 2008, at 22:32:13
> Suicide is a seductive force - I think because it can represent a way out - or a great big "F-you" to those who hurt us -- or both. Mostly I think when I'm tired I just want to rest. And suicide definitely represents rest. I find that once these thoughts flare up they are hard to calm down. I tell myself lots of things, mostly that I want to be a good mom and this is not what I want to model for my kids. I also think about my career...when I'm feeling well, I'm good at what I do. I'd hate for these thoughts and feelings to derail the work I do.
they are flaring :( but last night was somewhat better. I had therapy and pdoc yesterday, so that probably helped a lot.> I would encourage you to not think of it as a defect but rather a defense mechanism. This is the screaming that you can't know what you must know and that you don't know how to integrate your experience in a way that makes sense yet. It takes a long time to even begin to come to terms with the information. And during the flooding, you feel like you are going to drown in it - and sometimes it would be easier than swimming to the other side.
>I think you are right. I am definitely using this as a coping mechanism. To get away from H when he is not listening to me. To get away from my life when it is pursuing me. To get away from my bad dreams when they become real.
T and I have been talking a lot about integration. Maybe I'll post about it. I have a chunk of time this am, because I got my to-do list done (hooray!!) Integration is scary. identity-crisis scary.
> Last week I was really upset and hurting - "I'm tired of feeling this way!" I wailed at my therapist. He wondered if maybe we shouldn't be working differently - he said he hated to see me tortured like this. The next day he said he'd thought a lot about it and had decided that we were on a long, slow, painful journey but we needed to stay the course. There simply are no short cuts.
>I asked T and pdoc the same question "is there a short-cut" pdoc shook his head no and said I'll see you in 4 weeks. T said "no shortcuts, but we'll keep talking. Usually people get better when they keep talking".
> Hang in there, this too shall pass.
((((daisy)))) I'll hang from the wall like the noodle that's cooked.
poster:llurpsienoodle
thread:819687
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080321/msgs/819790.html