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Dear T... (violence triggers)

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on March 5, 2008, at 20:52:38

In reply to Re: is this just how it's going to be? anxiety, posted by seldomseen on March 5, 2008, at 11:13:53

I want to be myself, but I find that I am unable to be authentic, to feel pain when Im in here. I am still afraid to show you weakness. I still feel unsafe. I tell myself that I dont need therapy. That I can do this alone. I want to feel better, but I cant release my emotions in here. I put on my mask.

Im worried about what you think of me. Am I fooling myself when I think I can be the person I wish to become? Am I glossing over the negatives and playing up my assets in order to win your approval? I feel that I am. Why do I want your approval anyways? Youre not hiring me. Youre here to help me heal. But I push you away. I keep you at a safe distance, and I wonder afterwards why Im wasting our time.

Every morning I wake up with optimism that turns to dull dread within an hour and panic as I pace around the cottage, looking for some kind of distraction. Some days Im able to break the cycle and leave the house when Im still feeling okay, but other days I just break down and go back to bed after taking a klonopin and drinking a cup of tea. I just shake, or hold my breath counting the ticks of a clock with ever-increasing gloom and panic. I wait for h to come home to give me some distraction. I wait for someone to write me an email so that I can read it and respond and get out of my head for a bit. I wait. For what? I didnt want to tell you because I dont want you to think Im crazy.

I function. Kind of. I have intrusive thoughts. They are scenes of horrific violence. Im driving along the street and I imagine that Im in a head-on collision. I feel the collision and then I snap out of it, but I lose a moment or so. I cook and I imagine that I put my hand on the burner. I imagine that I cut my fingertips off with the chefs knife. I walk into my house at night and expect a burglar to strangle me. I flinch at nothing. I shudder at daydreams that give me goosebumps. I lose my connection with reality, with the things that I am engaging in. I cannot maintain a hold on the present without effort. I pinch myself or pick at a hangnail or hold my breath to stay here. Im afraid of what will happen if I leave the present and go off into my daydreams. I feel I will be destroyed. I didnt want to tell you because I dont want you to think Im crazy.

I have nightmares too. I wake up sweating most nights, and my naps are filled with terror. Why am I so afraid?

Im really scared to give you this letter. What will you think of me? Will you be disappointed in me? Will you be frustrated with me, or even angry with me? Why do I need reassurance that you wont hurt me?




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poster:LlurpsieNoodle thread:816325