Posted by sunnydays on February 5, 2008, at 17:03:54
So today we talked a little about my plans for the future. There was a silence for a few minutes and I felt this huge sadness welling up in me, and I started crying (well, trying to hold it in). My T said, "It's ok to cry in here, sunnydays, you don't have to hold it in. It's ok to cry.... Let yourself cry. We've got plenty of time and it's ok to cry in here, so let it out." So eventually I did. And we were talking about what did I gain from being there and what was I afraid of losing if/when I have to leave. And he reminded me how we can keep in phone contact if I do end up leaving (I might be staying when I graduate) and how I'll probably be within 4 hours anyway, so it's doable for me to still see him once in a while in person.
Then he started talking and talked for a while. He talked about how I have made the attachment between us happen because I have chosen to trust him and to tell him my story, and that I can make those attachments happen other places in my life too. And that there will be other people who are honored to hear my story as well. And that hopefully eventually things will go well enough in my life that this will just be a fond sort of memory. All of which I'm fine with. He reiterated that he wasn't saying this to prepare me to leave, that even if I stay our relationship will evolve and change anyway so that he'll become less central in my life.
And then somewhere he slipped in something about, "Other people have said, "Oh, but what about when sunnydays leaves"". And he was talking more and it was fine, but that nagged at me. So at the end of the session before I left I got up my courage and said, "Just, before I leave, so I don't freak out when I leave, do other people think I'm too attached to you." And he said, "Oh. No, I don't even know why I said that. There's one T here that said something like, "Oh, but what about when sunnydays leaves" and insinuated that, and there are probably hundreds of other therapists that would think we shouldn't be so attached, but I guess I said it to emphasize that I don't care what those people would think. My supervisor, who's opinion I respect a lot, would do a lot more than I would even, she'd probably have come to your room a few times by now. But our relationship is totally fine. It's a slow, slow process. And this is the only path we could have taken."
So it was good, but it was just such an intense session. There are a whole lot of left-over sad/overwhelmed feelings hanging around. And I desperately want to call him and at least leave a message, but I'm going to try really hard not to, even though he'd probably tell me it's ok to leave a message (it's ok to ask him to call too, but I'm just not in a mental space where I'm secure enough to do that right now).
God this attachment feeling is hard.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:810894
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080126/msgs/810894.html