Posted by Happyflower on January 24, 2008, at 13:17:05
Does is sound like I am in therapy now with a good T? I wanted to share with you today's session. I know I am making progress and that feels good, but it still shocks me on the things I realize about myself.
Therapy was so good today,mind blowing good. It went on tangents
everywhere but it all came together in the end. I finally realize
(emotionally, because I kind know intellectually) that I not only was
abused and that was awful, but I also didn't receive love and
nurturence, and maybe that is the biggest most devastating thing that
could happen to a child. (it is even hard for me to say me in that
sentence)
My session started off with small talk, but then we got to my sh*t
list I had with me, my journal that I used when I started therapy with
my last T. I showed him a picture my grandmother took of me sleeping,
maybe 2 yrs. old. My T got all teary eyed, said I was a very cute
child and it is just sad that I didn't get what I needed. Then I am
like wow, I wrote a poem about just that. I read part of it to him.Then I got off on a tangent about how I feel so upset when I see a
child being mistreated, I get a weird feeling in my stomach and I feel
so angry and want to help the child. So we did an EMDR set on that
feeling, tears just flowed and flowed. Then he wanted me to calm down
from that, and I said well I can't, I feel very angry. Well he wanted
me to have that parent in a chair with duck tape on their mouth so
they couldn't talk, tied up. Well I told him I couldn't hurt anyone,
that would make me as bad as my mom, and she used to use duck tape
over my mouth to shut me up. You could see lights going on in my T's
mind at this point.So he had me think of I telling this parent to stop what they are
doing, they are hurting their child, while doing EMDR. Well then I
started to cry again, because I said I wish somebody told my mom to
stop it, and it was almost like I became that child I wanted to help.
So he said he wanted me to then think of soothing that child (me)
after they had been hurt. Well I kinda got stuck because I said I
don't know how to do that.I said I could imagine my grandma hugging me and that felt sort of
good, but bad and uncomfortable too. I remember driving 24 hours down
to Texas, dreading my grandma hugging me, even though it felt good and
I think I wanted to, but I was embarrassed too.So talked about why
that hug was so uncomfortable to me. Well I was never hugged as a
child and he believes that when I was hugged by her, I felt trapped,
and worried she would hurt me. I am like wow, I never thought about
that's why.So we go back to trying to comfort me as a child. Still stuck, and
then that is when I came to the realization I didn't know how because
I was never comforted as a child. He said that is what he was thinking
too, he said it tells him just how much I was missing as a child.
Because intellectually I know how to comfort my own children, but when
it came to just imaginaing comforting me as a child, I didn't know how.Then I thought about when my grandma died when I was 13, I tried to
hold in my feelings of sadness for so long and I ignored the ulegy so
I would cry, I used to be punished when I cried. Well when they went
to lower her into the ground, I just lost it, and was crying
uncontrollably. And NOBODY offered ANY comfort. I never felt so alone
in my life. So yeah, getting no comfort or love, that was my
childhood. He want me to sit with those feeling,s because they are
new revelations to me. I am just in awe really, kinda numb, but kinda
like an open wound has been opened. I feel okay, not overwhelmed or
anything, but I guess it was just a wow moment.At the end of session we do a positive affirmation with EMDR. Mine
this time was I am good, I have needs. Well I had trouble with it, I
was saying the words, but I couldn't believe myself. Well I could
intellectually but not emotionally. He said that was okay, we will get
there eventually. So wow, I can't even say to myself that I am good.
I understand it in my head, but I don't FEEL it. And I guess that is
the root of my insecurities. (another wow moment)I think I need a nap, good session, but I am exhausted now, will write
more later.
poster:Happyflower
thread:808729
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/808729.html