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Just slogging through right now

Posted by ClearSkies on January 13, 2008, at 16:50:56

I really don't do well during this post-holiday period. Can't shake this negative frame of mind, no matter how I try - and the harder I try, the worse I actually feel. Anxiety still cranked way up to "11" on that score from 1 to 10. T counsels me to try to notice how I'm feeling and not to try to active change anything; well it helps that I'm feeling pretty powerless to change anything at all.

And this hobby-business of mine is coming up to a debut of sorts at a live local show, with hundreds of dealers. My mind is somewhat at ease with that because we've just spent hours with the previous owners going over every single item in the inventory, assigning values to each thing. Most everything was unmarked, and I was truly feeling overwhelmed at the thought of having to research and find realistic prices on things that, sometimes, I didn't even knew what on earth they were. It did give me relief to give names to each thing, to give a value to each thing - at least now I have a baseline. And I am looking forward to being able to clear out some of the stuff that I really don't care for (there's an awful lot of that) and so being able to bring in more items that reflect our personal interests and tastes, going forward.

But that relief is just so short lived, that's how I know I'm in a bad place right now. It's not the problems that are the problem; it's me that's the problem. I think I'm reliving all the bad days I had at my last job after my ill-timed return from a doctor-ordered break. It was about this time three years ago that things became so bad - crying incessantly every day and having panic attacks in the car trying just to get to work - and I think that I'm reliving them by this business pursuit. Maybe it's too much for me, and I hate the thought that this is beyond my already feeble capabilities.

The other clue that I'm not doing so well right now is that it's a struggle right now for me to put together a main meal. The cupboard becomes bare, and I can't bring myself to shop for groceries. And once I've been able to do that, I can't do anything with them. I'm trying to make it easier but it all feels like a giant cop-out to someone who hasn't worked for all this time. Yes, another sign that I'm a failure.

Husband can tell I'm all out of sorts, and he's sympathetic but as helpless as I am to find a way through.

This is a big old whine. I had to get it out, though. Too many things are feeling wrong right now. This poison has to go somewhere, so babble is the place.




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:ClearSkies thread:806220