Posted by Justherself54 on November 13, 2007, at 10:22:12
In reply to Re: (((Phillipa))) » rskontos, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2007, at 12:35:56
> I'm scared so very scared of everything. Going out, staying home, I feel I'm the sickest on babble and have for a long time and just don't like to cry on here. But until you turn 60 you will never know how frightening that in itself is as there is not much time left in your life. Tell me that 20 years ago I would have brushed it off and forgotten it. I think to myself what is the point in sticking around as if the end is the end why does it matter when. I brought my kids up to be independant as I raised myself and have made so many mistakes until lately forgave myself for. Oh but I was a good Mom maybe too good as my kids don't even call when they know I'm having the surgery to act concerned. They live their lives. Well I want them too. But when no one not even a therapist or a doc says it's your right to end it anytime you like is that right? Makes the self-esteem and fear even worse. I have to leave the house with my husband daily to stay alive another day. I am very active on the med board as I don't understand why lets say an SSRI seems to make people tired and me I flip out. I have given up hope. All I wanted was to nurse. Now the pains in my degenerative disc back and fused on it's own neck won't allow me to do even this small joy to me. So I know I have to do something else. I can't go from being a nurse to volunteering it would be devasting for me so trying the maybe not supposed to mention but ebay . I must find something to give me the desire to live again. Boy I'm fighting inside for my life can't cry only want to sleep and can't stand being criticized cause I can't contribute more than my disability to the household. Even trying to clean is hurtful for my back and tiring. Well just seriously delete this go on and live cause life is not forever. There will come a time in life when a lot of medical problems may or may not affect you. But love your kids and enjoy those baby and toddler times they will be gone soon never to return. Sorry to sound negative. This babble is my life line at this time in life. My real board is the meds board . Social if anyone is there to try and lighten up. No I'm not suicidal don't think about that. Just let try and help others my happiness comes from that. Just no I don't want help from you if you don't. And I hope this civil. I don't want to break any rules. Thanks for letting me vent. Phillipa
I rarely post on this board as I don't see a therapist (distance and lack of therapists) and let me tell you I can feel your pain Phillipa..I feel betrayed by my brain and body..I have not been able to find "closure" on the fact I may never be able to return to my career. That's not to say my career defined me, but I took pride in it and miss working terribly..my self-esteem is in the toilet..even when I tried to return to work, I had to deal with all the office politics and backstabbing from younger workers who had their eye on the prize which was my job..and now there is only 4 months left..either I try again or it's gone for good..and I don't have it in me to try again..
I too feel time ticking by and no real improvements..physically or mentally..so the question is "what do I do with myself now?"..I look back at the vivacious, intelligent person I was 5 years ago and wonder where she went..I feel I have no purpose in life..sure I take pleasure in the fact I have 3 beautiful grandchildren but my chronic pain condition makes it harder and harder for me to spend more than one or two days with them..
It's hard when your friends and colleagues don't understand what you're living with..when you know what's going through their minds.."why can't she pull herself up by her bootstraps"..
So Phillipa..you don't sound negative to me..just tired, in pain and scared..me too..
poster:Justherself54
thread:794592
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071105/msgs/794811.html