Posted by Dory on October 4, 2007, at 19:33:33
The guy is great... no, he's awesome. :o)
no, not sexual. not father figure either. He's just cool. (and did i mention awesome?)
today was the exact opposite of Tuesday. i left feeling connected and good about the session. i love it when that happens. Tuesday i had left feeling hopeless and lost.. i was so dismayed and depressed. i couldn't even put words to the feelings and where they came from. It made a lot of sense and no sense all at once.
we had talkd about some "events" from when i was 5.. things i am still embarrassed and ashamed to talk about. No, i was not molested.. and i will tell you honestly, there are other ways to scar a child's mind and soul other than beating them or molesting them.. cruel ways. i don't know which scarred me more, the "events" themselves, or the guilt, shame and self doubt about trying to define what those things were. Years of feeling like it "wasn't as bad" as being molested for example.
we also talked about "real people." i have this belief about real people, and that i am not real people. It's complicated and very triggering for me. Please refrain from just telling me i am real people.
somewhere in there things got hazy for me.. i couldn't follow his sentences... i couldn't focus on the conversation... i couldn't think straight or remember what we had just been talking about. i didn't like it one bit and i was distressed. i think the wave of hopelessness that came over me was because i felt like i disconnected from him while i was there... it left me feeling lost while i was right there in the room.
but today we talked about it, and things were very different. i told him that he couldn't talk about my real people thing really, and certainly couldn't tell me i was real people because he didn't understand what i meant yet. i told him about a number of things i felt he had slightly wrong, by just a bit.. but i wasn't criticizing him.. we were talking together about how things were working and the things that weren't. It was a really good conversation and i felt like i got a lot of things out there. We talked about trust a lot.. and he said several things that mean the world to me...
he said:
..I'm not going to ditch you..
.. this is really still early-early, we've been together for a while, but it really isn't so long.
... there are no set time limits.
... what H did was ************ (hidden for safety, but it was beyond precious to me to have him say this directly)
... what happened when you were a child was/is physical/emotional abuse (deep breath to use the "a" word)
another thing that was nice was that we laughed some.. we have a similar sense of humour and i can make him laugh and i like that. It's not like we are gut-busting, just nice smiles and laughs here and there. He said something about working blind in a way because i could not/would not discuss certain things... and i told him that delighted me more than it should (feeling a little evil).. he smiled and kind of gave me a joking look of irritation and said "yeah, you like that don't you?" It was pretty funny.
he told me i should do everything in my power to divert the coming issue this weekend... to find a way to prevent it from happening until after he returns. He knows i have nowhere else to go if it spirals out of control.. which is likely. i don't know if that is going to work.. i don't think i have the ability to make it push it off for a week.
so i have to come up with creative ways of keeping myself alive and afloat for 12 days... well, 11 because my appt is the second day he is back so technically he could call me on the 11th day.. i assume though he will be swamped with other desparate needy people too. Suggestions on how to do this would be appreciated. i don't have anyone i can talk to unless i get suicidal and then i ca call the prevention lines.
one other complication... last night i got freaked out because i had written him a letter, explaining the details of that childhood trauma event. i could only PM a couple of people in chat because i started getting overwhlemed by the larger group of people.. then the lights in my house were too much.. the noise of the street.. i became really hypersensitive.. i went and sat in the dark..
so today i gave him the letter. That was a HUGE deal for me. But i had to give it to him. i had to. i couldn't walk around for another 12 days worrying about giving it to him. i decided i could keep on listening to the voice of the person who hurt me, telling me not to tell, or i could take the leap of faith and trust my T. It's harder than you might think. Trusting him terrifies me.
now i have to wait for 12 days to find out if he thinks that was happened was trivial.. or stupid. :o(
anyway... i am on a therapy high, but it's going to crash hard when the abandonment anxiety sets in... and the anxiety about the letter... and the big issue this weekend.. there is a lot of sh*t going to come down the pipes for me.
please help me through this.
poster:Dory
thread:786945
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070929/msgs/786945.html