Posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 16:05:40
So went to T.
Didn't know where to post this..
I got a darn cold so I was/am really tired.
So T went OK.
I had sent T mt thread on 'parents' board so after just 'catching up' as it were, and doing calming stuff, and her trying to get me to set agenda(I was just too tired), we decided to just look at that thread. It was nice cuz T acknowledged that I express myself ever so much better in writing, but that I goto be able to do it IRL as well, and she not gonna let me off the hook on that, LOL! I can be awfully stubborn...but she also kinda slipped in the fact that I doing this for my kids...manoman, she slick, HA.
So anyways it *could* be construed as a warm'n'fuzzy babble moment LOL!!! as we perused this thread together on her computer ROFL!!Muffy and her T gazing into a window into babbleland!!!:-0 ;-)
Actually we only got thru my two initial posts! I think when the time was obviously up, I was not so 'there' anymore, but not in a bad way, anyhow, she sorta perplexedly said 'we only got thru two posts!' LOL, what to do, not like we coulda done no more anyhow cuz I was wiped.
So at one point she goes into total CBT mode and I was laughing, partly at myself cuz 'duh', I KNOW this stuff, and partly cuz a great deal of my life has been spent in a great deal of confusion one way or another, so its really nice to go down a familiar CBT path I been down before, AND I felt not so dumb, cuz I knew where she was going, mebbe some of this stuff is actually staying in my head.
At one point, she told me, yes there may have been things you would like to have done differently as a parent, and you will never be a perfect parent, and some of us have to MOURN the loss of opportunities and the dreams of perfection, cuz we NONE of us are perfect, we ALL screw up.
I think my T was worried I thot I was the WORST parent, I hastily assured her I did not think that (there are far worse 'moms' out there(as HF can attest...:-(
BUT I just want to own the fact that I HAVE hurt my kids, and with that reality, make repairs as best I can.
My T says we MODEL so much to our children, INCLUDING acceptance of the stuff we done, and the strength to move on and try and do better in future.
So we never got to get too much into whether my son has mebbe got 'issues'. She says from what we did talk about that she too considers the possibility of anxiety playing a role in some of his behaviours, but we didn't get much beyond that.
I supposed to think bout what I can do to do better. She also was getrting at something, but no sure what, cuz she was asking bout how I feel when I am doing OK and feel 'present' as a parent. Best I could come up with was calm, quiet in my head, not so distracted. And she says how do I feel physically? I dunno I said, guess it depends on a given moment.(as I thot to myself-depends what MODE I am in....but didn't wanto say that :-(. Physically sometimes I am so very unaware of my body and how it feels, sometimes(toughie mode) my body feels strong, sometimes when I in reality, I feel like a blob. So I really dunno why she asked THAT stuff? And I was too zonked to ask.
I dunno how other people feel, and whether how I feel is different, or the same??? Cuz I been the way I am long as I can figger, so its 'normal' being confusion and tiring, to me, but mebbe everyone feels like I do, but somehow their brains process the diff thots/feelings/CRAP into a single channel thats relatively clear, while for me so often its like I got multichannels all interfering w/each other, and it makes it hard to think and function very well at times. WHAT IS NORMAL???? I do not know...:-(
Sigh...never enuf time, or energy, to move very far.
But at least it wasn't too stressful this session.
And my T loves laughing.
I love laughing.
I not ascared of my T.
I'm really tired, just wanted to give you guys an update in case you wondered.