Posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:30:36
So, today's subject was Transference. And my T even talked to me about how hard it was to keep me in a feeling place, instead of letting me roam back to AvoiDanceVille. (She even told me she had talked to her own therapist about me today!)
Ever since that blasted missed appointment, I've been feeling so needy, and that brings up all sorts of horrible things for me. I can hear the times my mother told me that I was too needy, and it drove everyone away from me. And let's not talk about my taste in relationships that recreated that sort of thing... So, we talked about that today -- that my intellect can say, "Well, isn't that interesting -- the people who told me that I was too needy and drove them away, were some of the most selfish and narcissistic people I know!" But there's still that part of me that says, "If I let anyone know that I need something, I'll never get it." And there's the other part that says, "The only way to make sure your needs don't go unmet is -- not to have needs." (Sometimes my husband says, "oh, if you can do that yourself, I guess you won't need me anymore..." I have to remind him that I'd much rather WANT him than NEED him.)
This is so damned frightening! I told her today that part of me, last week, wanted to run away and call her to say I wasn't coming back to therapy. As much as a client can know a therapist, I know my T is Good People. She may even be the Queen of the Good People. I know that she cares about me, I know that she likes me -- two different things, really -- and I know that she wants to help me. I know that she would never do something to hurt me -- and that if she does something which does hurt me, she feels bad about it. She's just plain Good People. And it's still terrifying.
I'm still so afraid of pushing people away by being too needy, that this feeling right now, of needing my T, has me nearly shaking. Yeah, I know it's good, it's the way it's supposed to work -- but I don't like it!
Make it go away!
I don't know what else to say about it. I suspect it's going to be a topic for weeks to come.
poster:Racer
thread:781315
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070904/msgs/781315.html