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Re: Thanks and a question -- All » pegasus

Posted by Daisym on April 20, 2007, at 18:32:06

In reply to Re: Thanks and a question -- All » Daisym, posted by pegasus on April 20, 2007, at 10:23:26

>>>>>You know, I think the problem is that I wouldn't be happy with any real rules. I want magic. I want my T to read my mind, and to not exist when I'm not there, and to back off when I need to do things myself, but be close when I need extra support. I want hugs when I want them, and no touching when I don't want to be touched. I want constant and detailed, but truthful, reassurance that I'm special. I want honest and gentle recognition of the things I need to work on, but only when I'm feeling strong enough to face them.
<<<<My first thought when I read this was, "you've described what I wanted in a mom." *sigh* I usually get this from my therapist, except the touching/hugging part. He misses things sometimes, of course. But not often enough to get in a snite over. (I say now, wait until it happens again.)

>>>>>>OK, well, we all want that, don't we. So, here's what I think I could best live with in real life: I think that if I could set the rules, I would *want* the rule that my T would not ever initiate a call to me, but that she would call me back in a reasonable amount of time anytime I left a message for her.
<<<<<<Ever? I think in the norm client initiated is good, but the few times mine has called to check in, it has meant a great deal to me. He doesn't do it often, or lightly. Most of the time we set it up ahead of time, an arranged check in for Sat morning or something, and then he calls me. But there have been times when he'll call in the evening after a particularly hard session. Once he called right after I left a session in order to access my voice mail on purpose. He said he wanted me to have a recording of his voice for the weekend. It really surprised me and touched me in a deep way. I bet like getting a card from your therapist did for you.

>>>>If I know that my T might sometimes call me, then I'd be always hoping for a call, or feeling bad when a call didn't come that I wanted.
<<<<I can see how this could happen. But it didn't/hasn't for me. Perhaps I should clarify that there is no expectation that he will call, though sometimes I *wish* he would. Just like I wished my mom would see me somehow. But we've worked hard on "ask for what you need" so even when I call I know I need to say, "please call me, or don't call me" -- though he has been known to ignore the "don't call me" part if he thinks I didn't mean it. :) Scary how well he knows me now.

>>>>>And If *I* was the one who got to say that she couldn't call, then I'd feel better about the rule for not calling. What hurts is when it's the T that sets the rule, because it sounds like, "Don't bother me. You're too much work."
<<<<<Totally! I'm always telling my therapist that he should have a list of "rules" posted. That way banging into those boundaries wouldn't be so painful. Especially if this is your first time in therapy. When he says it is part of the process and not everyone gets so upset about mistakes, I just kind of sneer at him. I think is is way less painful to put the brake on yourself than to have them do it.

>>>>Of course, that freedome necessarily implies that another client might choose to set the rule that the T should always call when they had a notion to, or at set intervals, or some other rule that might not be acceptable to the T. So my rule would never work.
<<<<It would though, because you are essentially saying things are negotiated. And I think "rules" do change as therapy progresses. Some things that were done at the beginning of therapy are now not done because I don't need them to be. Other things - like me talking first - have fallen away because we have such a fluid working relationship. And the other thing I always hope is that therapy is individualized. I assume my therapist does what a client needs, but he doesn't tell me what adjustments he makes for others. In fact, the only hard and fast thing I've ever heard him generalize is his position on hugs. He doesn't hug clients. Period. I can understand why, given his specialty. I don't always like it...

OH and -- "another client"??? Nope. There aren't any, are there? (la la la -- I can't hear you!)

>>>>>I feel like I didn't help at all here. Sorry.
<<<<<You did. You helped me think about it more. After rereading what I wrote and what you wrote, it strikes me that it is usually me who refers to "rules" or boundaries or whatever. He rarely imposes things on me, everything is open for discussion, he just refuses to be a mind-reader!
It is an ongoing, easily identified, hard to fix, fear of being a pain-in-the-patuti. I want to be be the perfect therapy client, no needs, no angst, just lots of insight and reflection. (OK, stop laughing.)

 

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