Posted by antigua on April 14, 2007, at 8:43:29
In reply to Re: let's hear it for self-destruction!! ***trigg » Honore, posted by gazo on April 14, 2007, at 8:19:09
Yes, Honore was being honest with you and she had lots of good points, but... as you said you are dealing with things in the only way you have learned how.
but I recognize somewhere in there that you know that these aren't good coping skills and you are seeking to find healthier ones. For me, it took me so long to find where the self-destruction was coming from. For me, I discovered that I get to a point where there's no turning back; I can't stand the pain anymore and I proceed down a path I know is wrong, but I can't stop. I even thought that now that I recognized that point, I would be able to stop. Well, I recently hit that point (over something my pdoc had said), I recognized where it was coming from, and I still took the "low" road. I stopped right away before it became dangerous, but the fact that I had hit that point was the important thing--it literally took me over and while my pdoc would say that I should have known better (and I did), I shouldn't have let my response be an old coping mechanism.
Easy for him to say, I might add. Just because we know doesn't always mean we can do it. But I've found the more we can do it, the easier it becomes.
About the meds. I, too, in my little girl way, thought I was punishing my pdoc by cutting back on my meds. He let me know in no uncertain (and hurtful, I might add) terms that this had no effect on him. And he was right. I didn't stop my meds but I took them down on my own.
so maybe you go back on your meds. You don't have to prove to anyone here that you are a successful career woman. I believe every word of it. But we don't want you to hurt yourself, we really don't. I don't. Take hold of yourself, if you can, and find your way back before you hurt yourself. If you can't, get some help, ask for help.
I understand exactly what you're doing, and you're right, it's a coping mechanism. Sometimes the pain is just too great, or at least it is for me. I'm not perfect, I haven't figured it all out, but I know the downward spiral can be very, very bad and I don't want you to go there. I'm not proving anything to anyone when I do this, and I know this, but I still go there when I know I shouldn't. It's not easy; it's easier for me to let go sometimes, to just stop struggling, but it's too dangerous for me. I always think, well I'll show THEM (T and pdoc), but maybe that's still my little girl screaming for attention. I want them to care and to love me and when I think they don't, I take it out on myself.
please take care of yourself, and think about going back on those meds, o.k.?
love,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:749671
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/749718.html