Posted by madeline on March 19, 2007, at 4:25:29
In reply to I may not survive my therapy, posted by widget on March 16, 2007, at 12:48:26
Oh yeah. I know exactly what you are going through.
I went through a very very painful period in therapy, where I felt my love for my therapist was unrequited. I struggled and struggled and hurt and hurt and hurt. But I made it through to resolution and maybe I can offer you some hope.
My T sounds very similar to yours. When I was with him I felt so very loved - he was complimentary, patient, understanding - he seemed to see something in me that no one else had ever seen. It WAS like the child in me just reached out so much to him and he reached back.
When this happens to us in therapy, I think it only natural that we want more of that love. But then comes the realization that we aren't going to get it, followed by wave after wave of pain, rejection, frustration and anger.
During one session I made the statement "That there was no love in therapy". My therapist replied that "without love, there is no therapy".
What I had to do was grieve (and I mean grieve) the fact that my therapist was not the love of my life.
Every week I forced myself to go to therapy and swallow my pride and just let it all out. Through it all, he was consistently kind, and complimentary (which at the time I viewed as torture and begged him to stop - he didn't).
But bit by bit, through the hurt, I began to internalize what he said. THoughts like "Maybe I am special, maybe I am beautiful, maybe I am worth something." began to creep into my head. "this guy, even though he's not going to love me the way I want, certainly seems to think so".
The hurt began to wane, and I also began to realize that the relationship that I already had with my T was enough. It was more than enough.
There was one person that thought the world of me no matter how weepy, clingy, slobbery and angry I was.
I can promise you that your therapist loves you. I can also promise you that he wants what's best for you and that he wants you to be loved and cared for outside of therapy. I can also promise you that he really does think you are a diamond who deserves the best.
I know you may feel very vulnerable and emotionally overextended right now, but I know you got the courage to see this through.
It certainly gets worse before it gets better, but I can not tell you how much better my life is because I loved my therapist.
I can love myself now, and I have been open to love from other people in a way I never thought possible. I've had some wonderful, intimate relationships with men in which I surprised myself at how deeply I really could care for another human being.
And, you know what? When, for one reason or another they didn't work out, I wasn't devastated, but was centered enough to still be myself and could navigate the hurt from an ended relationship.
If you want to talk about this further, do not hesitate to babblemail me or keep posting.
Take good good care
Maddie
poster:madeline
thread:741611
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/742071.html