Posted by Daisym on March 17, 2007, at 18:41:50
In reply to Tormented by dependence on T., posted by trvlr on March 17, 2007, at 2:08:09
>>>>Although I have been seeing my therapist for years and have worked through many issues, lately I have been overwhelmed by the realization of how dependent I am on him. I mean we have talked about "the whole father figure thing" several times in the past and how I always want to be externally validated by this mentor/father figure... But lately I can't handle the dependence.
<<<<I have a bunch of questions to ask -- how many years have you been seeing your therapist? And when you talked about the whole father figure thing, did you feel better for awhile? Sometimes when people say things like "I always want to be externally validated" -- they say it like that is a bad thing. Do you see this in a negative light? I think it is human nature to want to be validated by those we are close to. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting that, or getting that. I think therapy is a process that helps us recognize that need and helps us find healthier ways to get the validation we need, instead of some of the less than optimal behaviors that brought us to therapy.How does your dependency on your therapist "look?" Do you call a lot, or does it sit inside you as a fear and as a longing? Sometimes I think we get mixed up and think of closeness and need as unhealthy dependency. If you make most of the major decisions in your life yourself, and look to others for emotional support and a way to center yourself, I think this interdependency is a good thing. And it seems reasonable that the more important a person is to you, the more you would trust this person with your needs.
>>>>>>It is like I know I have to somehow face the fact that I am never going to have that "good father" or "good-enough mother" as it is often described. So what am I supposed to do? Because I still need that. I think about it every day. Even though my thoughts right now are aimed at my therapist I know that they are not about him they are about this unmet childhood need and I have no way to resolve that unmet need. It is making me crazy!!!!
>>>>>>>>>>What is it that you need? Is it the security and unconditional acceptance you imagine a good enough mom or dad would give you? Is that what you get from your therapist? (I think we all need that, btw.) Is it the nurturing a good parent provides, a place to just let it all out and let someone else take care of things for awhile? (I think we all need that too.) I bet that is what your therapy space feels like, a place to let it all out.
I'm not so sure I'd be so quick to jump to "they are not about him" -- because some of these feelings might well be about him. Therapy traditionally ends at some point. You might be feeling the sadness and fear of losing him, and in doing so, losing a father figure. It is possible that your feelings have deepened or changed and there are other kinds of longing coming up here. Unrequited love is very, very painful.
Those unresolved, old needs must be felt, endured, mourned and then changed. These old needs, by definition, can't be met the way they should have been. So gradually and gently we have to come to terms with their ebb and flow. Sometimes they will speak up strongly and some kind of soothing and alternative solution is necessary. Other times they stay kinda quiet, and can be tolerated with acceptance and sadness. The one thing that probably can't happen is that you "overcome" these needs. No matter how strong, how mature and how enlightened you are, this is likely to remain a sore spot. It takes a long time to accept that you can't will yourself to feel a different way. We were supposed to be nurtured and loved by our parents in ways that allowed us to grow to love and nurture others. Many of us didn't get that - so it leaves a hole in our soul that can't ever completely be healed. But we can work to make the hole smaller and I think allowing yourself to need, to be dependent on your therapist is a good way to do that.
Believe me, I know how hard it is to allow that. I'm sorry for your pain, I wish I had a magic answer.
Welcome to Babble.
poster:Daisym
thread:741722
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070309/msgs/741861.html