Posted by wishingstar on March 8, 2007, at 14:38:25
In reply to Re: appt with T today » wishingstar, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 6, 2007, at 22:55:21
Went again today.
Eh. Just blah. What else can I say?
She gave me chances to be "real". I never took them. After about 15 minutes, she said that if I didnt want to be there, I could leave, because there wasnt much for us to talk about if I wouldnt open up. I didnt leave, but I probably should have. She said that there was some truth to what I said a few weeks back when I tried to quit, about maybe if I'm not willing to do what she wants me to do, I need to quit. She strongly disagreed with that statement when I said it before, and told me that I was going to keep coming, but I knew what I said was true. There's no reason for me to keep going really.
For what I'm giving her, I guess shes doing a pretty good job. I dont know. I'm not sure what else she could do really. I guess shes trying to problem solve though and all I really want her to do is say "its ok, I still like you. i want you to keep coming. things are going to be okay". I need to know that she still wants to see me and that I'm still important, even if I'm being difficult. Of course I didnt tell her that. Of course.
One thing that makes me nervous is I think shes putting a lot of faith in me seeing Laurie (old T from the summer) next week. I'm seeing her on Wed, just for one session, at Ginnys suggestion. I think Ginny feels like Laurie is going to be able to talk me out of this and I just dont know if that's the case. But I am excited to see her. I just hope it's an okay session. I'm going to try to go in and tell Laurie what I need from her before we really get into talking, to make sure it goes as well as possible. I just need her validation, her support, her understanding of how hard everything is right now.. I dont need her to try to dive into any congitive-behavioral thought-changing stuff in an attempt to fix things. I think I could fix it myself if I felt strong enough to. I just dont feel that strong.
I got back to my office about 12:30 (my appt was at 11) and wrote Ginny a long email. I'm going to post it in a seperate post (on this thread) right after this. I dont really have the energy to summarize it, and plus I'll probably freak out if I go back and reread exactly what I sent her, so I'll just post it all. I intentionally did it immediately after getting back to the office, so I didnt have time to push the feelings down and talk myself out of it. Of course now I know I probably look like I'm really playing games with her, even more than before.. but whatever. I just cant make myself care.
She asked me today, "so are you giving up?" I said I guess so. I guess I am. I dont know what else to do. I wish I wasnt putting her in such a hard spot too.
poster:wishingstar
thread:738775
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/739319.html