Posted by wishingstar on February 7, 2007, at 10:51:45
One of the reasons I was afraid to accept a new job is because I knew it would cause trouble with me being able to see my T twice a week and my pdoc. Unfortunately it seems that is definitely going to be the case.
I normally see my T twice a week, Tues and Thurs. Next week is my first week of training for the job. My T had to cancel Tues, and now I'm not going to be able to make it on Thurs. I talked to the supervisor, and there's no way I can leave to make the appt. My appts the next week are Mon and Thurs rather than Tues and Thurs, and I think I'm going to have to cancel Monday too. The appt is 10am, which means I wouldnt even get to work until around 11:30, and even though they said I can sort of set my own schedule, that is not the kind of impression I want to make on my first day. There will be a lot to do, a lot of people to meet with I'm sure, and I just dont think I can do that on the very first day. My T actually is only seeing clients on Thurs that week too (she only works 2 days a week) but because we were missing this coming Tues also, she said she could see me then because she'd be there working anyway. So that'll be 2 full weeks, when I'm already doing pretty badly, in a sort of vulnerable place with her (we're finally starting to connect but its shakey) and starting a brand new job I'm having a hard time with mentally. GREAT.
I was supposed to see my pdoc on Tues of next week but because its training (all day) had to cancel that. The next appt they had available is Feb 28, so I took it, but that's 3 more weeks away. I havent seen him in 6 weeks, and I couldnt tolerate the med he gave me last time, so it's just another three weeks where I'm not on any meds at all. I had shingles in the middle of those 6 weeks which is why I didnt call earlier about not being able to tolerate it. I knew I couldnt start a new med right then anyway. And even after I see him, 3 weeks from now, thats another month before whatever he gives me even gets into my system...
I'm so frustrated. I'm having a really hard time lately. I'm trying SO hard to keep myself safe (lots of self-destructive urges lately) and I feel like I just cant keep doing it. It's just all too much, and now I'm having my only support ripped out from beneath me at the time when I really need it the most. I know 2 weeks for my T really isnt that long, but I've never gone longer than 10 days (even at christmas) and I'm used to going four times in that period, PLUS the new job, PLUS my current emotional state, PLUS.....
My mind keeps going to "I dont really want this job anyway, or anything else for that matter, I should just kill myself". And it's a struggle. I know that isnt the right choice, but I just feel so stuck.
I know there isnt really any advice anyone can give. I'm just hurting and I guess it helps to have people that understand. Not really looking for anything from anyone. Thank you for reading.
poster:wishingstar
thread:730752
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070203/msgs/730752.html